Saturday, August 31, 2013

Who Kidnapped Bill O'Reilly, and What Have You Done With Him?

The Fine Five - August 31, 2013

(1) What was learned about my Central Michigan Chippewas football team today during its opening day 59-9 trouncing in Ann Arbor at the hands of the 17th-ranked Michigan Wolverines: nothing. What was confirmed about that same Central Michigan team: its defense is still nonexistent, its new quarterback needs to grow into the position, and it won't be challenging any time soon for a college football championship trophy. That had be a long bus ride back to Mt. Pleasant.

(2) Had an enjoyable lunch at The Cheesecake Factory in Palm Beach Gardens with three fellow debate officers, Dale McCall, Traci Lowe and Kristie Taylor. Nothing like discussing debate league issues with peers and friends over a good meal.

(3) Breaking news about the most gifted third-string quarterback ever to walk on water: Tim Tebow was released by the New England Patriots today.

(4) OK, you can go back to worrying about the impending US military presence in Syria. This link is really spiffy and provides a ton of fundamental information on the situation and what is happening (and why). And it even has a cool soundtrack!

(5) My birthday is in seven months. Do NOT buy me a $120 Kanye West white T-shirt, a $950 Gwyneth Paltrow shot glass, a $100 Snoop anything, or enroll me in The Donald's business school. This also applies to Chanukah or any other celebration which calls for offering gifts to individuals. (However, I'm all for the ESPN "30 for 30" movie The Two Escobars, Silver Reunion, or Elway to Marino.)

Scary News of the Day

From Jezebel: "'Gentleman' Seeks 'Worthy' Woman in Personal Ad With 28-Question FAQ" - I've written on-line personal ads before. And i've answered them before. And basically, I know I'm doing something wrong on both counts. (I mean, I'm still single, right?) But at least I didn't do what this guy did. At least, not consciously. I think he should have listened to Rupert Holmes for advice. Or the Village People. Or both.

Weird News of the Day

From The Anchorage Daily News: "Fox's O'Reilly: I made wrong claim about march" - First, Bill O'Reilly publicly admits he was wrong when he said no Republicans were invited to participate in the MLK ceremony. Then he said the invited GOP members were wrong for not attending. WHO KIDNAPPED BILL O'REILLY, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM?

Weird News of the Day #2 (because one is not enough today)

From The Pune Mirror: "Ask the Sexpert - Saturday, August, 31 2013" - Yo, I slept with my neighbor and her daughter while my wife was in another town having our baby. She's coming back in a few days. Your thoughts?

Stupid News of the Day

From The Washington Post: "The unintended consequences of laws addressing sex between teachers and students" So, you're telling me it's OK to have sex with my students? Really? REALLY? This is wrong on so many levels, my head is spinning.

Stupid News of the Day #2 (because one is apparently not enough for this category today, either!)

From The National Post: "Unemployed techie created fake evidence of terror plot to attack nuclear plant in attempt to get a job, judge says" Dude, just file for unemployment and fix up your resume next time. It works, trust me!

Florida News of the Day

From CNN: "Florida to exhume bodies buried at former boys school" - I may be one BAMF teacher, but I have my limits, and I've got an alibi.

Video of the Day

Fire Up Chips! Yeah we kind of lost today ... and it would have been nice to, you know, cover the 31-point spread. Sigh. But we still have the 24-21 Little Caesar's Bowl victory over Western Kentucky last December to celebrate!

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