Friday, December 23, 1988

The New Kid In Town

Let's begin with a memory.

Almost six years ago - a February afternoon in Mt. Pleasant - I became part of a sports conspiracy.

It involved a basketball game, the Central Michigan University police department and some toilet paper.

The CMU basketball team was, at the time, not among the squads most likely to be invited to the NCAA tournament. During the 70s, the Chippewa home court - Rose Arena - was known as the "Snake Pit," a place opposing teams dreaded to visit, because of the intensity and quality of CMU.

But hard times had come across the Snake Pit by 1983. "Bad" cannot begin to describe the way the Chippewas tried to play the game. Attendance at the home games was rather sparse. Rose was barely filling 1,000 of the 6,000 available seats.

We, the concerned students, were determined to bring some life back to the ailing Chips.

So a plan was devised. Perhaps the greatest plan ever formulated for showing team spirit. When the first Central basket fall, we would throw toilet paper from the stands.

What better way to get the crowd and team fired up?

Central was playing Kent State that fateful day. As soon as Central scored its first basket, the court became an instant sea of white. We threw something like 400 roles of the stuff. It was, indeed, an impressive sight.

Unfortunately, the police were watching.

Guess who got kicked out of the game for "inciting a riot"?

Memories and sports go together - always have, always will.

The players are not the only people affected by the event. They are the centerpiece, the actors on stage, performing for all to see and critique.

Just as with dramatic performances, there are critics. In the sports world, they are known as fans. Every mover every moment of a game is scrutinized and diagnosed. Favor or dissatisfaction can be felt as the game progresses.

Then there's me. I'm the person who tries to be as objective as possible in reporting the event.

One of the stereotypes of the sports genre is the concept of the "big game." There are winners and losers (and a lot of ties in hockey). My job is to bring these challenges, heartbreaks and thrills to you, as openly and honestly as possible.

That's what this job is all about. Challenges.

Starting a new job is a challenge, too.

Reaching out to a new audience can test your nerves, your sense of security.

I don't know you. But I know sports. And so do you.

With the world of sports becoming even more encompassing, we already have quite a bit in common.

I know you have questions. Let me try to answer some.

What can you expect from me? I'll be talking to the players and coaches, to bring you the stories which affect you.

But I'll be adding my own thoughts and opinions in columns such as this. It's my chance to give you a different perspective of sports. I'll take a look at the emotions and feelings which control or decide the games, and try to put them in a different light.

I'll touch base with the people behind the scene. After all, sports - no matter what level of play - involves much more than merely stats and scores. There's game plans, strategy and other factors to be dealt with.

I'll try to be honest. This is the major theme in writing. And sports.

Now, then ... what do I expect from you?

Only one thing: to read.

The stories I write cover Marshall and the surrounding communities.

The columns I write may be about a topic you find fascinating or depressing. I will bring my own experiences and opinions to these columns.

Whether you agree with what I write - or, indeed, how I write - is beside the point.

What is important is taking the time to read what I write. For it will be about games, matches and meets affecting people you know.

Memories. Sports is filled with them.

Let's have some good ones.

This article originally appeared in The Marshall Chronicle.

Monday, December 12, 1988

People Should Appreciate Their Parents

The holidays are a time for families to get together and share memories of the year gone by. Often, it seems the year was much too short; time passed us by.

The holiday season is also a time for hope. A new year approaches. Perhaps this year, time won't be so quick to escape our grasp.

Time.

There's never enough time.

This column is dedicated to a man named Leonard. A man who used time to the best of his ability. A man who shared time with his family, friends and profession. He often appeared to stretch his talents, yet had time to participate in everything he believed in.

For Leonard, there was never enough time to do everything he wanted to do.

Time ran out too soon.

Leonard was a wealth of knowledge to anyone who took the time to know him, both up-close and from a distance. Even those people who hardly knew him were aware of his accomplishments in the medical field.

He earned a degree in osteopathic medicine in 1966, and operated a private medical practice for over 20 years. He was on the executive board of a Detroit-area hospital. Leonard was also chosen to be president of the Oakland County Osteopathic Association.

He didn't brag about his accomplishments. Even some of his closest colleagues were unaware of Leonard's pre-medical career.

Prior to becoming a physician, Leonard had been a civil engineer for the Wayne County Road Commission. He quit this job to attend medical school because he wasn't happy with what he was doing with his life.

We students are often told our careers should be something we enjoy. Not many people would have the courage to quit a profession - no matter what the pay - to return to school for the sake of starting over.

Leonard did.

He was a political man, too - not a rebel or activist, but someone who believed in what was morally right. He was open and honest with his feelings.

During the Vietnam era, he accompanied the American flag with a peace-sign flag, because he felt the war was wrong.

In January 1973, he went to Washington as part of a mass protest against the war. Held the same day as President Nixon's re-inauguration, it stemmed from the famous "Christmas bombings" over Cambodia.

He also read countless articles and books on political hotbeds such as the Middle East, Nicaragua, Argentina, Chile, Haiti and The Philippines.

Leonard was a man who cared about life. As a physician, he tried to assist those who needed his help.
He was so conscious of cancer-causing products, he refused to use pesticides on his lawn, theorizing the chemicals would get into the water supply.

When it came to his family, Leonard was there for love, comfort and support. He tried to guide his children with his knowledge to the best of his abilities. To open his children's minds to new vistas, new opportunities. To not suffer from tunnel-vision when looking at the future.

To guide and teach.

Leonard tried to use his time wisely. But time caught up to him this past August.

Four months ago today.

He was a good man. An honest man.

As I prepare to graduate, I hope to pass to you some of the knowledge, love and trust Leonard gave me.

Time.

Use your time wisely, for time is precious.

Take time with your families this holiday season. Tell them how much you care for them. How much you love them. Because you never know when your first holiday without a father will come up.

Leonard H. Gaba.

Happy holidays, dad. I love you.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.

Friday, December 2, 1988

Jolly Old St. Nick Has Had A Shady Past

He starred in such holiday specials as The Year Without a Santa Claus and Santa Claus is Coming to Town. In Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer, he played a supporting role.

Santa Claus didn't do too badly for a guy who never took acting lessons.

The notion of Santa being a "cool" dude is disputable. Adults brought up children to believe he was "above the law."

They pointed out his mode of world travel. Look at the perks he obtained from the FAA.

His own flight crew. Unrestricted use of air space. A lot of frequent flyer points. Unlimited travel time. And he began flying before the Wright Brothers invented the airplane.

Then there was his wardrobe.

Did you ever notice his attire? His belt and boots are black patent-leather. Certainly not affordable on his salary.

His red velvet jacket, featured only in the finest men's stores.

Maybe he charged it all on his credit cards.

But Santa's image has been tarnished because of recent discoveries about his past. Santa got away with corrupt activities.

Look at the record:

  • Trespassing. Breaking and Entering. He would enter houses illegally (under cover of darkness), drink milk, eat cookies, ransack the place, and leave a secret clue under the tree.Not a very nice thing to do.
  • Cruelty to Animals. How can anyone explain his forcing eight or nine (depending on the fog level) innocent reindeer to pull a heavy sleigh for 24 hours straight? The only place they could stop and eat overnight was at a Denny's, and there are some areas (hint! hint!) without said restaurant.As incredible as it may seem, the animal rights activists have yet to chastise Mr. Claus for his use of animal labor.
  • Illegal Drug and Narcotic Use. Obviously, the Reagan "Just Say No" policy doesn't work on the guy. Claus and Manuel Noriega must be dealing something together; this explains how the reindeer fly.Magic dust.
  • Tax Evasion. He hasn't even filed a 1040 tax form in the past 500 years. He refuses to acknowledge earning any money.I'm sure he's worried about prosecution, too. With "Club Marcos" heading to New York for similar charges, Santa Claus had better contact a good lawyer.
Yes, Mr. Claus is in pretty deep doo-doo. The word is he's trying to improve his public image. You see, while out on the street these days, he's collecting funds for needy charitable organizations.

But, given his past record, there are some suspicions.

The most prominent theory about Claus is he's skimming funds from the pot and transferring these monies illegally into his own pocket.

Even worse, it's not just him. The Santa Mafia, so it's labeled, is begging for spare nickels, dimes, quarters - even dollar bills.

Last weekend, five of the Santas were arrested and lined up in a Detroit police station. They had been soliciting in front of the same dime store. In order to rack in more money from unsuspecting citizens, the Santas all claimed to be of different ethnic origin. Among those arrested:

Mohammed Claus. The money was to be wired to Iran to purchase "G.I. Joe" weapons, an authentic replica of the Ollie North paper shredder and a box filled with copies of the "1989 Fawn Hall Pin-Up Calendar."

Stalin Claus. Representing the "Communists for a Decent Society" organization, the money was to be used for electing Gus Hall to the presidency.

Santi Clausi. Supposedly the "Number 2" man under Santa, he was using slush funds to purchase bottles of champagne for minors attending Central Michigan University. The champagne was to be used at New Year's Eve parties.

Panda Claus. The goal of this man was to saturate the entire American zoo population with giant pandas, thereby gaining power and clout with panda breeders.

Satan Claus. The fifth - some say, most evil - of the gang, his name comes from transposing letters in the name Santa. He wanted to remove Bloom County from the newspaper and replace the strip with old copies of Prince Valiant.

All were released on $10,000 bond.

So, enjoy your holiday shopping. Try to keep it within your budget. And watch out for False Santas. And the real one.

It's the holiday season, and he's back with a vengeance.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.

Friday, November 4, 1988

Candidates Don't Compare To Past Leaders

I remember America.

It was a land of freedom. Of democracy.

A place where names such as Washington, Jefferson, Franklin and Lincoln were on the highest plateau.

A land where Liberty and Justice were the cornerstone of a new government, not just empty words etched into mortar.

I remember the Declaration of Independence, a document proclaiming the desire to rule without oppression.

The Constitution, a trail or words which tried to ease a young nation's birth pains.

I remember the Civil War, bringing about a semblance of freedom for blacks enslaved in the South.

I remember Jim Crow laws, a group called the Ku Klux Klan, and a strong-willed woman named Rosa Parks.

I remember listening to Woody Guthrie, Bob Dylan, and Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, crying for the soul of a nation.

I remember my elementary school teachers telling me I could be anything I wanted when I grew up.
A doctor. Fireman. Astronaut. Cowboy. Baseball player.

President.

Yes, one day I could be president.

And then in learning what the textbooks omitted, I began to discover the big lie we call government.
It his in such places as My Lai, Cambodia and Cuba.

It was defined in terms like Watergate, Abscam and conta-rebels.

It was exposed in stories on Kent State, Iranian hostages and Daniloff.

And through all of this, we had an esteemed leader of the so-called "democratic process."

A crook, a schnook, a peanut farmer, a B-movie actor.

My friends, i remember America. Beyond the glitz and glamour of Lady Liberty's refurbishment or the skyward flight of a space shuttle.

It's important to remember, with the election approaching.

Remember these names. Repeat them out loud, forming a distinct image in your mind.

President Bush.

President Dukakis.

President Bentsen.

President Quayle.

America, I'm worried.

It's Pied Piper time again. Of the thousands of politicians in this country, these are the most qualified?
I say it's Pied Piper time again because that's all we Americans seem to do in times of elections, We say, "Gee, this guy looks like Robert Redford, so I'll choose Mr. Voodoo Economics."

Or: "Well, my grandparents came from the 'old country,' so I'll vote for Mr. Eyebrows."

We vote, not so much because of the issues, but because of the commercialization.

Only 50 percent of this country's registered voters will take part in electing our news leader. Much of this is due to the dissatisfaction of the American voter.

Let me take this one step further. I'm ware of who to vote for because I'm not only dissatisfied, but I'm outraged at what my choices are. This is like choosing between a plain, no-salt potato chip and a stale, chip-your-tooth potato chip.

No flavor, No satisfaction. No additives or preservatives.

The sad truth is that we know too much about Bush, not enough about Dukakis, and Jesse Jackson (remember him? - he's the dynamic one) decided to play the game by the rules.

Bush has so many skeletons floating around his campaign, bot in and out of the closet (Iran-Contra, Nixon aides, etc.) that it resembles a Vincent Price horror film.

In Massachusetts, medical malpractice and the tax base are so far gone that Dukakis is viewed as being out of touch with the middle class.

And you can bet Jackson, who decided to wait until 1992, will be more than read to assume the lead Democratic role, should Bush win this year.

If this election isn't enough to worry you as it does me, then America is worse off than I thought.
I cry at the realization of seeing higher taxes in the next four years. It doesn't matter who we have in the hot seat; after seeing our national debt soar beyond the trillion mark, there is no doubt this will happen.

Along with more taxes being depleted from paycheck, there will be cutbacks.

When talking tax increases and cutbacks, the Republican attitude is to blame Congress. If they hadn't (a) threatened to override that veto; (b) approved the arms sale to that Mid-East country; or (c) wasted those hard-earned dollars on nonsensical issues, then we wouldn't be in the mess we're in today.

On the same subject, the Democrats feel a little differently. If Mr. Teflon hadn't been (a) treating the budget like a credit card; (b) imposing his desire to fund the contra-rebels with another billion or so; or (c) so eager to blame Congress that he forgot where the buck is supposed to stop - with the President himself - then our debt wouldn't be so far out of the ozone layer.

So much for our taxes. How about Central America?

Let's see. A majority of the citizens in this nation are opposed to any interaction in Central America.
Yet, only one of the four main performers in the 1988 insult derby is opposed to contra aid - Dukakis.
And how credible is he on this when his choice as a vice president is opposed to Dukakis's opposition?

My biggest problem, I guess, is seeing Ying and Yang as our candidates; two men slinging so much "doo-doo" around that the shovel brigade has resigned. Two men who can't get me to agree with them entirely.

And I don't know what do to anymore. I'm lost.

I remember, America. I remember. And it scares the hell out of me.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.

Friday, October 28, 1988

No One Is Protected From Drunk Driving

Welcome to Western Weekend.

Kalamazoo will be swarmed with thousands of Chippewa fans all "tooling" their vehicles to the city Elvis calls home and Glenn Miller sang about "the sweetest girl" he ever knew.

While cruising the highways (yes, M-20 counts as one), and K'zoo metroplex this weekend, a lot of Chippewas will be indulging in pleasures of the bottle.

Alcohol.

Beer. Booze. Slammers. Shots.

And, undoubtedly, there will be war stories told over and over again during the next few years - macho tales of drinking the keg in one take, and the hangover that lasted until Thanksgiving.
Some of these "brains" will have the audacity to cruise the streets while, or after, cannonballing another 12-ounce curl.

These are the same lameheads who laugh at such well-intended and meaningful programs as National Collegiate Alcohol Awareness Week and PRIDE's Red Ribbon day.

There's two sets of rules we play by when it comes to alcohol.

And I'm tired of the double standard.

We same the same rhetoric over and over again, from our alcohol awareness messengers. From MADD. From SADD. From physicians and medical professionals across the world.

Alcohol kills.

Alcohol impairs.

Alcohol alters the mind.

Yes, we hear this. We see this. The message is drilled at us constantly.

Problem is, we don't learn this. We've become immune from the truth.

And we're all to blame.. You and I.

We condone alcohol abuse by putting up with Spuds, Alex and our other cozy, cute friends on the video screen.

We accept the sports advertising blitz from Miller, Anheuser-Busch and the rest of the brewing entourage.

We offer drinks to our friends the moment they walk through the door.

We let ourselves buy "just one more" because we can handle it. C'mon, we're college students. It's the other guy who's a lightweight. Let's do another bong. We've got all night.

And it's a lie. A charade.

The ACLU is opposed to checkpoints on Michigan roadways. The proposed purpose of these checkpoints is to stop cars at random to see if the driver of passengers are drunk. The intent is, of course, to keep the roads as safe as possible.

Well, the ACLU says this is a violation of our civil rights, that these rights would be infringed upon.
Uh-huh. Tell the families of any victim in a drunk-related accident it was his or her civil right to die because a drunk driver ran a red light at 80 miles an hour, oblivious to reality.

Funny how civil rights can sometimes be the opposite of logic.

When you read or hear from the media about a drunk-related accident or situation, it often involves someone in the public spotlight - like an athlete. Which leads to another double standard.

Do we expect too much out of our sports stars and other public figures? We celebrate the talents of a Bob Probert, a Petr Klima, a Bruce Kimball. And if they do something stupid, like drinking and driving, well - hey! - they're famous.

Well, let me say this about that. It's donkey dung and it's a weak alibi. Why is it OK for one of them to avoid punishment if you can't? No one is above the law. Athlete of not, famous or not, whether you've had one, two or three too many is beside the point. male or female, black or white, it's all the same.

Drunk is drunk.

And breathalyzers have no bias, no sexual preference.

the saddest, most heart-wrenching detail of this whole masquerade is drinking and driving is all too common in this nation. If it weren't, acronyms such as MADD and SADD wouldn't exist. The awareness factor is a start, though. Give it a couple of years, and we'll be dealing with the next phase of the "we-won't-take-this-crap-anymore" attitude - currently the battle cry of the non-smoker.

What can we do in the meantime? I wish I knew the answers. But I have a few gut feelings I'd like you to consider.

First, STOP accepting that athletes and other famous individuals are above the law, that they're allowed to drink simply on the basis of a household name.

Second, REALIZE there's a limit. Don't assume a friend will watch over you constantly. Most people don't accept that they're drunk when, in fact, they are.

Third, THINK. Odds are, when you're leaving a party or bar with a few under the belt, there will be at least one drunk in the vicinity. A drunk behind the wheel is just as deadly as a drunk staggering across an intersection, weaving through oncoming traffic.

Finally, LEARN that - as much as you may wish - alcohol-related accidents don't always happen to the "other guy." They can happen to anyone, anywhere. even to you. And you don't have to be the one who was drinking.

That's the sober truth.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.

Wednesday, October 19, 1988

Detroit Lions Need New Coach

With my tenure at Central Michigan coming to a close, some friends of mine suggested I consider job hunting.

Now, this was a novel idea. Employment. Paychecks. BMWs. Cellular phones.

No class scheduling.

I headed down to the Placement Center to check out the companies doing on-campus interviews. Carefully scanning the list, I quickly surmised no one wants me.

Nothing new here.

So I began to think - which is always a terrifying event. Getting me to use my brain is like asking Mike Tyson to spar with Robin Givens for a couple of rounds, or telling Bryant Gumbel his suits don't fit.

Deciding to ignore the warning lights, and with smoke permeating the surrounding air, my brain began to work. I thought long and hard. I thought short and not-so-hard. I thought about this, that and the other. Finally, I came up with a great thought.

Head coach of the Detroit Lions.

Well, OK. Maybe not a great thought. Maybe not even a valid thought. But, you know.

What the heck?

I look at it this way. Come December, the Lions will be looking for a new coach.

I have the qualities needed to be that coach.

I realize this isn't saying much. My dead dog could coach the Lions. A blade of Astroturf could coach the Lions. Lee Iacocca could probably coach the Lions and have more success than the bland, dull, and thoroughly unexciting Mr. Rogers does.

But I want the job. I have no pride.

I have been an avid follower of the Lions, and their minor-league affiliate, for eons. And, in that time, I have learned enough about the system they run to handle the job.

First, a new nickname. "Lions" just doesn't scare other teams. Let's update it.

The Detroit Pit Bulls sounds good.

I wrote William Clay Ford just last month, suggesting a few nifty trick plays they might consider using. Sure enough, the Lions tried one, and it worked.

Here's the situation: Fourth down, 18 yards to go, the ball is on your own 12-yard line. Up by two points, it's late in the third quarter. New Orleans is your opponent.

What do you do?

If you're any other team, you punt the football. But the Lions have a standard to uphold. Tradition. The football is snapped to Jim Arnold, the Lions punter, who tries to pass.

If the play works, I'm considered for a Rhodes Scholar award.

Then again. I ain't Einstein. The play self-destructs. The Lions lose.

This is just a sample of my potential. No other team would dare try such a stunning and unexplainable move.

But there's more.

I have mastered the Lions' playbook. I know how to run the team. With courage. With flair.

With an aluminum fist.

This is the way I would run the offense:

FIRST DOWN: Run to the left. Gain a yard (two, if we're lucky). Fumble?

SECOND DOWN: Run up the middle. Maybe gain another yard. Penalty flags?

THIRD DOWN: Pass. Go ahead, heave that sucker downfield. There are a few possibilities here - (a) incomplete, because it was either much too short or too much Chuck Long; (b) intercepted; (c) a quarterback sack; (d) dropped by the receiver; or (e) offensive pass interference. I'd bet on the sack. After all, this is "professional" football.

Did someone say "completion"? What is this, a fantasy? Are you crazy?

FOURTH DOWN: Punt. Unless playing New Orleans.

Of course, Chuck Long is injured right now. So is his original backup, Eric Hipple. We go to one of the two more recent replacements.

First, there's Rusty Hilger, who came to Detroit from Los Angeles. I think we got him in exchange for Kirk Gibson. After watching him play (ouch!), I know why they call him Rusty.

The other is John Witkowski, who played three games for the Lions in 1984. He is an alumnus of the Lions' minor-league affiliate, the Columbia Lions. That's the team which lost 44 straight football games, only to succumb to victory against Princeton two weeks ago.

Ironic Strange. Scary.

Speaking of college football, there's the draft. I suggest the Lions use their first-round draft choice wisely.

Pick Notre Dame - the entire team. That ought to be worth a few wins here and there.

Then again, these are the Lions.

Now, I realize picking on the Lions is not a tough thing to do. Let's face it - when you've been as awful as the Lions have for so long, "Open Lions Season" is just a way of life. I'm not the first to take easy pot-shots. At this rate, I won't be the last.

But I do it anyway.

It isn't hard to rationalize this, when even Jim Arnold realizes this. He's the guy who went out for "Amateur Night" at a Detroit-area comedy club (no, not the Dome), and wowed the crowd.

Here's a sample of his routine:

"Hi, I'm Jim Arnold. I punt for the Lions.

(Pregnant pause.)

A lot."

So, think I can do the job? I do.

So, I plan. I mail out resumes, waiting for the phone call that leads me to the Silverdome.

Who knows? At the rate the season's heading, they may need another quarterback, instead.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.

Friday, October 7, 1988

Writer Resents Group Imposing Its Morals

The world today scares me.

I'm not talking about nuclear war, abortion or apartheid. I'm not paranoid about Mid-east tensions, the IRA, or even Bush and Quayle vs. Dukakis and Bentsen.

None of this can compare to insensitive clods who impose their morals on me against my will.
The so-called "religious right" is after my mind. And I don't like their attitude.

The worst thing someone can do is get me on a tangent on which I have a strong opinion. And when some group tries to shove its philosophies down my throat with a Ginsu, I fight back.

The group that chose to "save me from false prophets" is called "Freedom Village USA." It sent me a pamphlet to fill me in on false cults, teachings, religious doctrine and theologies. In particular, it wanted to save me from the evils of Satanic Rock.

Yeah, Dream on, guys.

Satan, according to these watchdogs, is busy helping musicians such as Pat Benatar, Jackson Browne, John Denver, Kris Kristofferson, Tina Turner and Stevie Wonder write lyrics which are dooming them to hell. (To be fair, they also mention some not-so-saccharinated bands, such as Motley Crue, AC/DC and Twisted Sister.)

When I began to read the 12-page list of rockers, I thought it was a joke. I mean, yes, I suppose Black Sabbath gets its kicks out of mimicking an occult ritual. But it sickens me that so many people are willing to be led by "moral" groups who use words taken merely at face value, and nothing more.

Many of the "evils" mentioned have to do with beliefs not popular with the Catholic Church - views on the occult, homosexuality, oral sex, masturbation, drugs, etc. However, there are some topics on which Freedom Village is doing nothing more than trying to set up a smoke screen.

FREEDOM VILLAGE'S SAMPLE #1: Benatar's album Crimes of Passion includes the song "Hell is for Children." That's not what I want to teach my children.

GABA RESPONSE #1: If you listen to the lyrics, "Hell is for Children" is a song about the horrors of child abuse.

FREEDOM VILLAGE SAMPLE #2: Billy Joel's song, "Only The Good Die Young" remorses over Catholic girls staying virgins so long. He adds, "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than die with the saints, the sinners have much more fun."

GABA RESPONSE #2: Joel's "sinners/saints" line is a view on what society has dictated is moral and correct. It's strange "society" cannot define what is immoral or indecent without using terms that might be seen as such.

FREEDOM VILLAGE SAMPLE #3: Pink Floyd's "Another Brick In The Wall" says, "We don't need no education ... hey, teacher, leave us kids alone."

GABA RESPONSE #3: The anti-establishment theme stems from the civil rights movement and the Vietnam "dove" response to Washington in the 1960s. The leaders ain't always right.

FREEDOM VILLAGE SAMPLE #4: Ozzy Osbourne has an album called The Ultimate Sin. He was compelled to see The Exorcist 26 times.

GABA RESPONSE #4: The "Ultimate Sin" is, I understand, a nuclear holocaust. And The Exorcist had lots of great special effects.

I wish I had the ability to present all of the things these so-called "moralists" are imposing on you and me. Groups such as these - including the Tipper Gore-led PMRC, which (if you recall) held hearings on rock lyrics and album cover designs - are just out to make a name using red-scare tactics.

I asked this two weeks ago; I'll ask it again. Who is responsible here? The bands? The record companies? The radio music directors?

Or is it the parents who should tell their children what values are- what is good or bad?

Using rock music as an excuse for their children's "demise in moral integrity" is the most blatant cop-out I've ever seen.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.

Wednesday, September 28, 1988

Columnist Proposes His Own Homecoming King Platform

(Editor's Note: Paul hopes no one takes this column seriously.)

Elections for this year's Homecoming Court are today and tomorrow, and there are a lot of qualified candidates on the ballot. Each of them have their own identities, strengths, and positive attributes. Each are well-knowledged regarding the campus of Central Michigan, and all of the candidates deserve the recognition and support that they have achieved with this honor.

But there seems to be something missing.

A write-in candidate. For example, me.

Now, I know a lot of you are thinking, "Gosh, I never really considered Gaba as a viable candidate for Homecoming King." Come to think of it, I never really considered myself a candidate for anything. With the exception of, perhaps, "Most Obnoxious Room Brother."

Before this, the only thing I've ever run for is my life.

But my party has called, and guess who picked up the phone?

Let me make one thing perfectly clear. As a member of the Only Party That Matters (an offshoot of the Weekend Party and the Original Party), I have weighed the options carefully.

After my campaign manager (who wishes to remain anonymous, for some reason) and I discussed the ramifications of winning, and after checking my calendar, I have decided that since I'm not doing anything October 15 anyway, I may as well run.

"Who is this Gaba person?" you may ask. (Go ahead, ask. This is America - Land of the free, Home of the Rich.)

"What are his views on the important issues that affect me?" (Ask away. I've got plenty of time.)

"Am I desperate enough to vote for this guy?" (Keep 'em coming.)

Well, since you're asking all of these questions, I have some space to answer them.

First, some background info. I was born and raised in Iowa - well, sort of. I was born in Iowa, but before I was old enough to pick the corn, my parents dragged me to Michigan against my will. So I grew up in Bloomfield Hills, a suburb of Hamtramck.

In high school, I was the founder of the TV Watching Club. We'd go to shopping malls and stare into appliance shops all afternoon. I believe the law of gravity is unconstitutional, and pro football should have the two-point conversion.

Now that you know a (very) little about me, I present the OFFICIAL 1988 GABA HOMECOMING KING PLATFORM.

NUCLEAR WEAPONS: I cannot tolerate the stocking of nuclear weapons for use against the Soviets. In fact, I think all nuclear weapons should be destroyed. We can do this over Western Michigan University, whenever we're ready.

THE DEFICIT: The budget woes we have encountered can no longer be ignored. (Note that not one of my opponents will discuss this important issue.) After balancing my checkbook, I propose tuition be rolled back to $10 a credit hour, room-and-board be cut to $500 a semester, and pizza discount cards be given to all students. The fact that I will have no authority to make these changes occur has absolutely nothing to do with my outline for the next fiscal year.

GREEKS: Our president, Edward B. Jakubauskas, is greek, One of my best friends is Greek. Mike Dukakis is Greek. I used to be Greek. It's all ... you know.

RANDEE OF THE REDWOODS: An awesome dude, man. Like, hip. Groovy. Cool. Fab. Dig it, man.

NICARAGUA/CONTRAS: Hey, I didn't fail Spanish so that Ronny could send me south of the border. Let's stop sending the contras money, arms, etc., and give them taht stupid snowflake-looking thing by the new industrial engineering and technology building, instead.

DRUG TESTING: I think drug testing is an interesting concept. Sure, go ahead. I'll test them all. So long as I don't have to pay anything. Or get arrested.

TOILET PAPER THROWING: I said this back in January and I'll say it again. Since we can't throw TP at the basketball games, let's throw ping-pong balls or nerf balls instead.

DOMED STADIUMS: After talking with Tom Monaghan and Detroit Mayor Coleman Young, I think I've come up with a solution. A dome in the shape of a pepperoni pizza (albeit, a large one) for Kelly/Shorts Stadium. And another for Theunissen Stadium. That's right - Domed Doubles, delivered in 30 minutes or less!

That's just the start of my platform. I could go on forever (as those of you who know me have learned), but space won't let me.

If I were elected Homecoming King, I would do everything in my power to make CMU a better place to live.

My graduation in December could be, in some eyes, one of these steps.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.

Friday, September 16, 1988

Amateurs Can Play Basketball (Of Sorts)

Unless you've been hiding under a rock or something, you're probably aware the 1988 Summer Olympics being tonight in Seoul, South Korea.

Nineteen days of the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and the red eyes of trying to watch nearly 180 hours of NBC programming while studying, writing term papers, or doing other extracurricular activities - like, for example, breathing.

For many of us, the event with the most significance is men's basketball. That's primarily because of Dan Majerle, who has gotten so much media notice recently that it's almost a case of overkill - not that he doesn't deserve it, because he does, and I'm proud of him for that. I have never had the ability to play the game as well as he, and I respect his talent, commitment, and poise. He deserves all the positive attention he gets.

Now, then. A long, long time ago - before VCRs and Walkmans, before my grey hairs began to outnumber the others on my head, before the three-point shot, back when I was in high school I used to play basketball. Or, at least, try. My friends and I quickly discovered we were not made of the material stars such as Dan Majerle are made of.

In fact, we weren't made of the material Bob Marley was made of. When we shot all-netters, it was the bottom of the net we hit, not the hoop section. We also found out there's a difference between junior varsity and pick-up varsity - we being of the latter.

We pick-up varsity players never wore letters on our jackets. We wore numbers. We never won awards like "Most Likely To Wind Up In Drug Rehab," or "Most Athletic Scholarships Rejected." Girls didn't flock to us in awe, although the cheerleaders would chant, "Aw-ful! Aw-ful!" while we played.

So, instead of "going for the gold," we hammed it up on the court. We invented Commando Basketball.

Commando Basketball is different from the more conventional style which professionals and hopeful-pros play. Commando Basketball is more wide-open. It shows the lack of grace many of us non-sports types have hidden in us. Or, in some cases, not so hidden.

Despite being an expert in the "Sky-Sinker" (my favorite shot), I never dreamt - not for one moment - of landing a show contract. AIR GABA doesn't have that flow, that style, that ring of money being dropped into a bank vault from overly-kind bosses (also known as "owners" or "general managers").

There were usually 10 of us battling on the court. The sides, no matter how chosen or divided up, always were fairly equal in un-talent. Myself, Oly, T.D. Big Jon and Lummox were the "Tighter Than Grandma's Knitting" team. Our logo was a ball of yarn. Biffer, Scum, Cheesehead, D.J. and Dewey were our opponents, "The Generics." They wore nothing on their uniforms. (Fortunately for the fans - all eight of them - they did wear clothes.)

The list of rules we played by in Commando Basketball was limited. It looked something like this:

RULE ONE - BLOOD COUNTS, as long as you bleed with honor.

In high school, too many times when blood is drawn, the victim cries in pain while the instigator laughs his lungs to Milwaukee. We didn't allow that. Instead, we were much more civilized. We would laugh to the basket while missing yet another lay-up shot.

RULE TWO - YOU CAN BE TRADED during a game. You can announce free agency during a game. You can steal the ball from your teammate and drive toward the other basket. Basically, you can do whatever you want, as long as it's performed with taste and fairly liberal judgment.

What this says, in a nutshell, is that a game of 5-on-5 could suddenly become 1-on-9, with you (i.e., "Paul") being the "one."

Of course, then I could switch sides, too, so it became a 0-on-10 game, which made for some interesting defensive play.

RULE THREE - SHOW WHAT YOU CAN'T DO, and show it well.

It was pretty cool, all in all. I couldn't run, so I'd pass. I couldn't shoot, so I'd pass. I couldn't pass very well, either, so I got hammered while my teammates would try to run, shoot or pass. Basically, I couldn't do anything, so I fit right in with the style we perfected.

In one game, I scored a basket, though, The fact that it was an errant pass that got tipped by an opponent doesn't matter - I was credited with the points.

And boy, was I proud.

So when I'm watching the Olympics the next three weeks, I'll be watching Dan Majerle and the rest of the U.S. Olympic Basketball team, wondering what could have been, had I been blessed with the talent to shoot a ball into a net.

And maybe I'll work on my Sky-Sinker.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.

Friday, September 9, 1988

Number 99 Is Magical To December Grad

It;s hard to comprehend that today - September 9, or 9/9 to all of you math and astrology majors - is the 99th day until December graduation.

Including weekends.

How's that for a psychic number cruncher?

Go ahead, all of you non-believers. Pull out your calendars. Count up the days leading to that mystical, magical date: December 17, 1988.

It's true.

Ninety-nine days remaining as a Chippewa.

Ninety-nine nights left to study Broadcast Law.

Ninety-nine graveyard shifts studying for my other classes.

Ninety-nine afternoons catching power naps because of those late-night and overnight cram sessions.

Such a powerful number, 99 is.

Of course, a lot of things can happen in the time I have left at Central.

I could win the Lotto. I might fall madly in love with a beautiful girl. A beautiful girl might fall in love with me - not "madly," but "in love." This will suffice.

Maybe some big-wig from NBC will read this column and then call me up, saying, "Paul, we want you to be our substitute on the Letterman show!"

Perhaps I'll pass Broadcast Law.

Ninety-nine.

When you watch reruns of Get Smart!, who is Maxwell Smart's assistant/wife?

You got it, Agent 99.

It;s times like these that I wish I knew an astrologer; you know, that I had my own personal forecaster. Imagine the power of being able to predict the future, of seeing your destiny.

Of advertising in The National Enquirer.

Why, I could call up my own star gazer and get the line on the Tigers. Did they win the World Series next month? (I know that reads kind of strange, but we're talking about the future here.)

How about the Olympics? A conversation like this could take place:
Paul: "Hello, Ms. Space Scholar"
Astro Person: "What do you want, Mr. Sixth-Year Freshman?"
Paul: "I kind of wanted to know how our favorite Chippewa, Dan Majerle, will do against the rest of the field in Seoul."
Astro: "Well, let me see." (I hear the sound of papers shuffling, some muffled coughs.) "Ah, here we are. Majerle will score 34 points against the Yugoslavians, 28 against the Soviets, and 37 against Eastern Michigan."
Paul: "Eastern?"
Star Person: "Hold on." (More shuffling.) "Hmmm, that must be a typo. I'll get back to you. When's the deadline?"
You get the picture.

Or how about politics? This is an election year. Nancy Reagan uses an astrologer, and she's still First Lady. Stranger things have happened.

I could start sending Vegas some serious statistics on how George Bush will do against Michael Dukakis in the all-important precinct of Mount Pleasant. If the tide were to turn by in Dukakis' direction by only two percent, the entire GOP could become disoriented, thereby creating a landslide across the United States in favor of the Democratic Party. With help from my astrologer, I could ease tensions before they get out of synch.

All of this because of that silly little number, 99.

Wayne Gretzky wore 99 for the Edmonton Gretzkys. Then he got married, traded, and is no longer allowed to enter Canada without an American passport. He's the most prolific scorer in the National Hockey League.

The Great Number 99.

So, say what you want. Satan worshippers may believe in 666, but I'm keeping track of that psychic 99.

That is, until tomorrow, when there are only 98 days left until graduation.

Boy, I hope I pass Broadcast Law.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.

Friday, September 2, 1988

Dateless Student Relates To Author's Book

As of my 24th birthday, I was still quite "sans girlfriend."

I've been single and looking since the beginning of time. So, my sister - bless her heart - bought me a book as a present. I guess she figured I could kill some time on a Saturday night or something.

It should be noted that (a) my sister is a psychology major at Michigan State, and I've been a guinea pig for as long as I can remember; (b) she apologized profusely for injuring what was left of my fragile psyche; (c) she's lucky her brother has such a great sense of humor; and (d) I tend to work as a disc jockey at weddings on Saturday nights, which doesn't help the social life any but keeps those nights from becoming the "Pee-Wee Reading Hour."

The book she got me is called Nice Guys Sleep Alone by Bruce Feirstein, who also wrote a book about quiche. I still haven't figured out why anyone would write about quiche, but then I don't eat the stuff.

Anyway, this book is funny. It's quite tongue-in-cheek. And it reminds me of some of the worst dates I've been on. Worst for my dates, that is. (Maybe this attitude explains part of the problem.)

In any case, after carefully reading this informative book, I have come to the conclusion that I'm single for a reason - actually, for several reasons.

  • I don't like Guns 'n Roses, Motley Crue or Whitesnake.
  • I don't dress like the guys in Guns 'n Roses, Motley Crue or Whitesnake.
  • Many of the girls I know dress like the guys in Guns 'n Roses, Motley Crue or Whitesnake, but really "get into" Tracy Chapman.I see a pattern here.
  • I've seen it a bazillion times, but I still don't understand those pizza commercials with the pterodactyl. The damn bird's lips don't even move.
  • Most guys my age have already graduated, work full-time jobs in an accounting office, and dress from the pages of GQ. Not only can't I afford a subscription to GQ, but I scan The Detroit News comic section to learn the Zippy wardrobe.
  • I'm not built like a singles ad. You know: "SWM, Fortune 500 VP, jock.stud/preppy, rhythm guitarist for INXS, Olympic basketball star/scuba diver, Mel Gibson look-alike, who likes long, romantic walks along the mighty Chippewa River."
Hmmm ...
  • I still mourn over the break-up of the Bay City Rollers, as well as the death of Andy Gibb.
  • My roommate says I've got a warped sense of humor, but I consider myself "unique.
Anyhow, when I'm done reading Nice Guys Sleep Alone for the 800th time, maybe I can get up the nerve to ask out a girl again. Dutch treat.

Until then, I'll be reading on Friday nights. Not enough disc jockey jobs.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.