Dateless Student Relates To Author's Book

As of my 24th birthday, I was still quite "sans girlfriend."

I've been single and looking since the beginning of time. So, my sister - bless her heart - bought me a book as a present. I guess she figured I could kill some time on a Saturday night or something.

It should be noted that (a) my sister is a psychology major at Michigan State, and I've been a guinea pig for as long as I can remember; (b) she apologized profusely for injuring what was left of my fragile psyche; (c) she's lucky her brother has such a great sense of humor; and (d) I tend to work as a disc jockey at weddings on Saturday nights, which doesn't help the social life any but keeps those nights from becoming the "Pee-Wee Reading Hour."

The book she got me is called Nice Guys Sleep Alone by Bruce Feirstein, who also wrote a book about quiche. I still haven't figured out why anyone would write about quiche, but then I don't eat the stuff.

Anyway, this book is funny. It's quite tongue-in-cheek. And it reminds me of some of the worst dates I've been on. Worst for my dates, that is. (Maybe this attitude explains part of the problem.)

In any case, after carefully reading this informative book, I have come to the conclusion that I'm single for a reason - actually, for several reasons.

• I don't like Guns 'n Roses, Motley Crue or Whitesnake.
• I don't dress like the guys in Guns 'n Roses, Motley Crue or Whitesnake.
• Many of the girls I know dress like the guys in Guns 'n Roses, Motley Crue or Whitesnake, but really "get into" Tracy Chapman.I see a pattern here.
  
• I've seen it a bazillion times, but I still don't understand those pizza commercials with the pterodactyl. The damn bird's lips don't even move.
• Most guys my age have already graduated, work full-time jobs in an accounting office, and dress from the pages of GQ. Not only can't I afford a subscription to GQ, but I scan The Detroit News comic section to learn the Zippy wardrobe.
• I'm not built like a singles ad. You know: "SWM, Fortune 500 VP, jock.stud/preppy, rhythm guitarist for INXS, Olympic basketball star/scuba diver, Mel Gibson look-alike, who likes long, romantic walks along the mighty Chippewa River."

Hmmm ...

• I still mourn over the break-up of the Bay City Rollers, as well as the death of Andy Gibb.
• My roommate says I've got a warped sense of humor, but I consider myself "unique.

Anyhow, when I'm done reading Nice Guys Sleep Alone for the 800th time, maybe I can get up the nerve to ask out a girl again. Dutch treat.

Until then, I'll be reading on Friday nights. Not enough disc jockey jobs.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.