Insecurities Exchange

I was working with my novice debate class earlier this year on Original Oratory, a debate and forensic arts event where students research, write, memorize and present a 10-minute-long speech on a topic of which they feel is important to their individual lives. Usually it's a problem that exists, and the oration is structured to look at some background of the issue, why it's a problem in today's world, and how we as a society can attempt to resolve the situation in the future.

As part of the assignment, given to 30 first-year students (the majority of whom are freshmen), I also wrote an oration. The rationale: if I'm going to assign something, I'd better be able to do the assignment as well.  Some 27 rewrites later, this is what I presented to the class earlier this month.

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Shirt? Check. Pants? Check. Belt? Check. Robe? Check. Light saber? Check.

Yes, I was ready. Ready to do some serious Obi-Wan Kenobi role-playing at the Florida SuperCon. I even jammed the "Imperial Death March" on my stereo while driving. But as I approached the vast superstructure that is the Miami Convention Center, it hit me. My outfit looked cheesy, as if it were purchased in the Halloween costume section at Walmart for $19 and change.

Which, of course, it was.

And, worse, I was all set up to meet one of my Sci-Fi heroes, George Takei of Star Trek fame.

What would he say? What would he do? Laugh at me?

If you’re like me – and may God have mercy on your soul if this is the case – then you find yourself constantly scrutinizing yourself, because of the insecurity within. Insecurity of getting the job done on time, or done right. Insecurity of meeting deadlines. Insecurity of living up to expectations from family members, or friends, or colleagues. Insecurity in coordinating your wardrobe at six in the morning. Insecurity of finding a clean pair of underwear at six in the morning.

For most of us, insecurity seems a bad thing, an unnatural thing, an unholy thing, permeating through us and causing us to err more often than not. And if you’re like me – and, again, why would anyone want that curse? – then dealing with insecurity leads to a regular sense of doom, of self-doubt, of total and unmitigated anxiety about yourself. And it’s that paranoia, that sense of not living up to whatever expectations have been set, which is from whence problems arise.

Personal insecurity has been the primary reason psychiatrists remain employed.

Insecurity has a bad reputation. But in many ways, it’s actually a benefit to us, because it helps us make better decisions, and serves as a means of motivating us to achieve beyond our own potentials.

So, let’s drop a nickel in Doctor Van Pelt’s jar and (a) discuss what causes personal insecurity, (b) analyze why this isn’t nearly as bad as you may think, and (c) reflect upon ways of dealing with this complex issue, while avoiding the added pressure of filing Obamacare paperwork to deal with the payment for such psychosis.

Weird Al Yankovic has made a career – well, part of a career, at least – twisting the “insecurity” thing around into humorous observations. For example, in his song "I Lost on Jeopardy," Yankovic misses every clue on the board, finishing in the red, before being told he made himself look like a jerk in front of millions of people, brought shame and disgrace to his family name for generations to come, and is “a complete loser.”

There is an internal dialogue that accompanies feelings of insecurity. This is called the “critical inner voice.” Dr. Lisa Firestone, who co-authored the book Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice, wrote, “The critical inner voice is formed out of painful early life experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes toward us or those close to us. As we grow up, we unconsciously adopt and integrate this pattern of destructive thoughts toward ourselves and others.”

So, what events or attitudes shape this inner critic? The experiences we have with our influential early caretakers can be at the root of our insecurity as adults. Imagine a child being yelled at by a parent. “You’re an idiot! Can’t you figure anything out on your own?” Then, imagine the negative comments and attitudes parents often express toward themselves. “I look terrible in this. I’m so fat.” These attitudes don’t even have to be verbalized to influence a child. A parent’s negative attitude can leave children feeling insecure and believing there is something fundamentally wrong with them. An intrusive parent can cause children to become introverted or self-reliant in ways that make them feel insecure or untrusting of others. Studies have even shown that exaggerated praise can be damaging to a child’s self-esteem.

Unfortunately, being insecure is a part of life. And this can cause problems, not just for the insecure individual, but for others around him or her. According to Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, a professor of Psychological and Brain Sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, some people compensate for insecurities by trying to show that they’re better than others. They may constantly brag about their achievements, remind others about their successes (even if others are well aware of these), or belittle their friends and family members.

Psychologist Alfred Adler, who coined the term “inferiority complex,” referred to this tendency as “striving for superiority.” In the worst case scenario, striving for superiority means that you’re stepping on the feelings of those around you. The only way you can make yourself feel bigger is by making them feel smaller.

So, we’re insecure. Individually and collectively. Rockwell sang about this phenomenon in the 1980s, as did the Australian band Men at Work – who can it be now, indeed? Now what? Well, German psychoanalyst Eric Fromm said, “The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.”

Everyone I have ever known – I take that back; every likable person I have ever known – has admitted to periods of sheer insecurity. They looked at themselves from the perspective of someone else – perhaps a person with no appreciation of their talents, personality traits, abilities – and judged themselves unfairly according to the perverted view.

Unfortunately, insecurity has a twin that is sometimes conjoined at the heart, and her name is depression. And that twin can be downright painful to deal with.

Robin Williams was, by far, my favorite comedian ever. He, along with Allan Sherman, the Monty Python's Flying Circus comedy troupe, and the Saturday Night Live “Not Ready For Prime Time Players,” were the "big four" of my formative teen years. And being young and impressionable, I immediately gravitated to Williams.

One of the first albums (rock or otherwise) I ever bought was his Reality ... What a Concept! which was released at the height of his Mork and Mindy fame in 1979. Looking back at my 15-year-old self, I didn't understand most of the jokes, drug references, and sexual innuendo he tossed at his audience from the stage. But I was totally entranced by the speed of his commentary, the variety of voices and languages, the sharp wit that saturated the entire performance – such as improvisational Shakespeare!

And we all know the film successes that followed. So many amazing roles. So many breathtaking performances. He transitioned from comedy to dramatic, and managed to do so effectively.

In August 2014, Robin Williams committed suicide. It was revealed following his death that Williams had been suffering from severe depression – a stunning realization about a man who many saw as one of the funniest people in the world – and had been sleeping in a different room from his wife due to restlessness and anxiety caused by early stages of Parkinson's Disease. Numerous individuals paid tribute to the comedic virtuoso that was Robin Williams, and continue to remember him for his abilities, his friendships, and his philanthropy. Suicide prevention groups quickly reminded individuals that, if they felt they needed help, to call for help – for example, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

My favorite Robin Williams movie is Dead Poets Society, which forces us to look at life from a different angle and do what you believe is right, even in the face of adversity. It embraces passion, youthful idealism, and romanticism. It focuses on relationships and what makes relationships true and good. It's about finding a voice and sounding barbaric yawps over the rooftops of the world – I am important! I am an individual! I am somebody! As his character, John Keating, proclaimed to his class, "The longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, 'Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.' Don't be resigned to that. Break out!"

So, what can we do to break out of the circle of insecurity? How do we transform from Queen and David Bowie’s “Under Pressure” to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”?

First, consider insecurity a good thing. Insecurity – vulnerability of spirit – is essentially humility, which is a divine quality. In fact, since pride is considered to be the origin of sin (for all of you fans of Saint Augustine), then humility would be the greatest spiritual virtue. With insecurity, we admit that it’s not all about us, and that philosophy in this world of narcissism is quite lovely. Says Stephen Fry in Moab Is My Washpot: “It’s not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing – they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.”

In addition, there is the use of humor. That whole Weird Al thing I mentioned earlier, for example; humor is an amazing elixir, a way of taking those less-than-stellar moments of insecurity and ripping them to shreds. Yankovic is a certified genius in achieving this. One of the best songs is, I believe, an epic tribute to interpers across the globe: "Skipper Dan," told from the point of view of a failed Broadway wanna-be who is stuck giving the Jungle Cruise tour at Disneyland. “I shoulda listened when my grandfather said, ‘Why don't you major in business instead?’” his protagonist laments. “Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died, and I'll probably work forever as a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride.”

But hey, at least he’s got a job in these difficult economic times!

So, always look on the bright side of life! When all was said and done, George Takei and I had a nice conversation about the differences and similarities between Star Trek and Star Wars, and the photo of Mr. Sulu and Darth Paul posing together graces my Facebook page.

Just one question … does my light saber make me look fat?