100 Days

In late July, I was handed the news (which I wrote about on August 1, as the kick-off of my resumption of the somewhat sporadic blogging process I've participated in the past few years): that I was diagnosed as Type 2 diabetic, thanks in large part to (in no particular order) poor eating habits, poor (nonexistent) workout habits, and carrying a spare tire or two around my midsection for what seemed an eternity.

I was, essentially, mandated by my physician to do two things: (1) consume food more wisely, and (2) get my butt off the couch and into the gym. Not exactly her words, but the message was loud and clear. To paraphrase Andy Dufresne from The Shawshank Redemption, I was left with two choices: get busy living, or get busy dying.

And I'm not quite ready to do the latter.

So with the combination of research off the Internet, consultation with good friends like Tim Olson, Angela Fetzko and Chris Grindrod, and downloading a free app for my iPhone called MyFitnessPal (by which to track my daily food intake and calorie burning), I began my quest to drop some 75 pounds and lower my Glucose, Cholesterol, Triglycerides, and Hemoglobin A1c. Our plan - that is, the plan set forth by my physician - was to stay away from any sort of medication for the time being; to focus on better eating and a pattern of cardio and exercise. Some of the primary things I've done since that date include (but are not limited to):

- The complete avoidance of anything considered "fast food." The closest I've come to violating this was in August when returning from a debate coaches meeting in Orlando with several fellow coaches; we stopped on Florida's Turnpike for a lunch break, and I went with a fairly healthy (well, fairly healthy for Florida's Turnpike) grilled chicken salad option from the Chicken Kitchen. Absent from my life the past few months: the BK Lounge, Micky D's, the Little Red Haired Girl, and every other drive-fhrough icon one can present.

- The severe reduction in starches and sugars. When purchasing 93% lean ground beef from Publix (the better for making burgers on the Hamilton Beach kitchen counter grill), I don't buy the buns. Nary a bagel can be found in Casa del Gaba. I've purchased healthy Publix stoneground whole wheat bread for those occasional sandwiches (the better to have some carbs in the diet), but for the most part, bread is not a part of my life. And speaking of the HB grill ...

- Lots more grilled chicken. The counter grill has been literally worked to death (although rumors of that death have been greatly exaggerated). A regular staple has been grilled boneless, skinless chicken breasts with a side of steamed veggies; it's fairly quick to put together (less than 20 minutes), and tastes pretty good with some Mrs. Dash seasoning to boot.

- Lots more salads. This applies both at home and on the road; when at my favorite watering hole, Duffy's Bar & Grill, I've consistently gone with the Chop Chop Drafthouse Salad (sans bacon) with balsamic vinaigrette dressing. When in Baltimore, I went for a grilled chicken salad at P.F. Chang's. I enjoyed several such dishes in Gainesville this past weekend. In short, when out and about, I'm making wise decisions about what to eat.

- Working out. And by "working out" I mean "getting to Planet Fitness a few times a week and doing 30-45 minutes of cardo." I don't go as often as I should ... but I do go more often than I used to.

- MyFitnessPal. I've religiously entered meals, snacks and the sort into the iPhone app (which synchronizes with its web presence), so I can fairly accurately track how many calories I've had per meal and day, how much sugar I've consumed, carbs, protein, the works. I'm sure it's not 100 percent accurate (some of the meals I need to estimate statistics), but I'm equally sure it's pretty darn close. More important, I'm focused on what and how much I eat regularly now, which is truly the bigger picture. Additionally, the most difficult thing about this is, being single, I don't have someone around to push me daily. However, through using MyFitnessPal and posting daily updates about achieving being under my daily calorie goal (2,100) on Twitter and Facebook, and receiving supportive comments and encouragement from family and friends via those social networking sites, I am given a stronger focus and ability to stay on track.

So, what's all this mean? On Monday morning, I went in to have blood drawn, for the "three months later" review. This morning, my physician's office called with the results. Here they are, 100 days later:

Glucose: down from 119 to 108; this is still high (I'm aiming for 65-99).
Total cholesterol: down from 224 to 151; this is within range (100-199).
Triglycerides: down from 240 to 122; this is within range (0-149).
HDL cholesterol: down from 52 to 39; this is within range (albeit barely; I need to be at or above 39).
LDL cholesterol: down from 124 to 88; this is within range (0-99).
Hemoglobin A1c: down from 7.2 to 6.6; this is still a bit high (diabetes is anything over 6.4; I'm aiming for 4.8-5.6).
Vitamin D: up from 12.3 to 55.5; this is within range (I needed to get in the 32-100 range).
Weight: down from 275 to 233; aiming for 200. (OK, that wasn't part of the blood work, but I tossed it in for good measure.)

So, where do I go from here? Well, I haven't achieved my two primary goals yet: no longer being diabetic, and hitting the 200-pound mark. I will be going in for followup blood work in February (another three months), and believe I can reach the weight goal by Memorial Day weekend 2012. Meanwhile, I continue doing what I've been doing; just because I've had some success doesn't mean I can lay off now. I can't fall off the wagon; I want to continue being busy living.

Won't SOMEBODY Please Think Of The Poor, Starving Banks?

Dear Contributor:

The “Wall Street Banker Adoption Program” desperately needs your charitable assistance. With protesters marching on Wall Street, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we really care. What those CEOs are forced to endure - it’s just not right!

Hundreds of high roller bankers in our very own country are living at or just below the CEO seven-figure salary poverty line. And as if that weren’t bad enough, they may be deprived of pay for several weeks - possibly a whole year! For example, Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan has seen his bank's stock halved since the start of 2011.

But now you can help!

For only about $5,000 a day, you can help keep an impoverished banker economically viable during his (or her) time of need.

$5,000 a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a Wall Street banker it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in bug-infested Florida or a life-renewing Mediterranean cruise.

For you, $5,000 is nothing more than two months rent or mortgage payments. But to a banker paid for by money looted through toxic mortgages, trading debacles and derivative madness, $5,000 a day won’t even replace the average CEO salary, and they certainly can’t be expected to survive on Congressional assistance anymore.

Your commitment of only $5,000 a day will enable a Wall Street tycoon to buy that HDTV home entertainment center, trade in the ratty year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a well deserved weekend in Rio.

“How will I really know that I am helping?”

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the banker you sponsor. Detailed information about his (or her) stocks, bonds, 401-k, real estate and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You’ll also get information on how s/he plans to invest the $50 million and-of-year bonus s/he will receive in 2012.

“How will s/he know that I am helping?”

Your banker will be told that s/he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the banker won’t care to know your name, s/he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

Simply fill out the form below.

=================================

YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a Starving Wall Street Banker. My preference is checked below:

[ ] CEO

[ ] COO

[ ] Senior Advisor*

[ ] Executive Officer**

[ ] Chairman of the Board***

[ ] I'll sponsor a banker most in need.

* Higher cost

** Much higher cost

*** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific banker.

=================================

Please charge the account listed below $5,000 (plus all applicable taxes he may have to pay) per day for a Wall Street banker for the duration of the financial crisis.

Please send me a picture of the banker I have sponsored, along with a bank logo, a Gordon Gekko poster, and my very own Wall Street Trader ID badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

[ ] MasterCard

[ ] Visa

[ ] American Express

[ ] Discover Card

[ ] Diner's Club

Your Name: __________________________________

Telephone Number: ____________________________

Account Number: ______________ Exp. Date: ______

Signature: ____________________________________


Mail completed form to Wall Street Banker Adoption Program (dba/Greedy Wall Street Saviors, Inc.), or call 1-900-GRD-GOOD now to enroll by phone.

Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the banker they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, fax, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the banker you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his/her free time to be bothered talking to you, thanks to your generous donations.

Legal: This contract will be enforced to the full extent of the law and is binding upon your heirs for the duration of the banker's life. The IRS has ruled that these contributions are not tax deductible.

8:46 am, September 11, 2001

David Traill and I remember that morning, and all that went with it as a result. We were both teaching at South Fork High School, and the bell had just dismissed first period. I left my classroom to go to the main office, to sign in and collect whatever paperwork was in my mailbox. The office receptionist looked at me as I came in and said, "A plane just hit the World Trade Center."

I gathered my stuff and headed to Traill's room, figuring he might want to know the news. I assumed, based on the way it was presented, that a smaller plane - like a Cessna - had crashed into the building somehow, or perhaps the pilot had suffered a heart attack. As I got to Traill's room, he was standing at his door letting students in. I told him what I had heard, and he responded, "My television isn't working, let's go to your room." I said, "No problem, I'm on my planning period."

Traill, his IB History class and I made our way to my room and we turned on the television. There we witnessed the surreal events and visuals that have since become etched in the collective American soul - of the continual replay of the second airplane, of flames, of people jumping from the upper floors of the WTC to their death, of the two towers crumbling to the ground. Traill commented that Osama bin Laden and al-Queda were likely behind the attack; to the students, this may have been the first time they'd ever heard of the man - I don't know.

The talking heads on the screen never mentioned him or them; they only talked about what we were witnessing, about President Bush's presence in Florida, about the swift - and, ultimately deadly - attempts by New York's finest to try and save people. Slowly, more information began to make its way to us - a plane that clipped the Pentagon, a plane that crashed in Pennsylvania. It was a numbing, chilling effect.

Soon the bell rang. The students headed to their third period; Traill to his room to teach; and my debate students slowly worked their way into the classroom, the television still showing the images. We discussed what had happened so far; shortly thereafter, I received a notice from the front office telling me to turn the television off and go back to teaching what I normally would be teaching in the classroom. I ignored the note, and for another 20 minutes or so we continued to be mesmerized by the screen ... until the television went black. Apparently, our superintendent, in her infinite wisdom, had ordered all televisions in the entire district to be shut down. Undeterred, we turned to discussing the debate topic - weapons of mass destruction - and tied the events of the morning into the lesson.

After school got out, Traill and I went back to his place and continued to watch and listen to the events of the day. Hours later, it was still a strange, empty feeling of confusion, disappointment, sadness, anger.

Traill and I religiously relive that day, and the aftermath: the coming together of South Fork to build patriotic floats for our homecoming parade, scheduled for only nine days later; the "We the People" t-shirts and paper chains and other various fundraisers we undertook for families of the victims; our superintendent's appearance on the Today show, where she tried to defend her decision and dubbed South Fork "the other school"; and the panning of our superintendent for her actions, which included a scathing newspaper story in the Palm Beach Post where I was heavily quoted (and is attached below) criticizing her for the decision.

I was criticized by some for my stance - that I was tipping the apple cart, that I was putting my tenure and job in jeopardy by speaking out. But, I rationalized, if I was to be fired for speaking my mind about such a micromanagerial decision, I didn't want to work in that environment anyway. Administration never approached me about the story or my position; I left on my own accord at the end of the year to take an employment opportunity at Wellington.

So here it is, ten years later. I won't rehash all the governmental stupidity and ineptness that has transpired since then by both Democrats and Republicans, by Congress and our presidents. But I do remember, as we all should, the significance of the moment, one of those rare opportunities for us to mourn collectively and as individuals, and to rise above the loss to strive for a new greatness. May we continue to do so.

*****

SCHOOLS' CUTTING OF NEWS FEED DEBATED
Kathleen Chapman, Palm Beach Post Staff Writer
Thursday, September 20, 2001

Paul Gaba's 10th- through 12th-graders at South Fork High were watching news coverage of the terrorist attacks around noon on Sept. 11 when they lost the picture on their classroom television.

Martin County School District officials had decided to cut the cable feed to all schools, he said, explaining that they felt ongoing news coverage would be upsetting and disruptive.

Gaba said his bright, sophisticated students, who are discussing weapons of mass destruction as their debate topic this year, were upset and insulted, as were many teachers at the school.

"Essentially, they felt it was a slap in their collective face," he said, "that it was a statement they were not old enough or mature enough or cognizant enough to be able to discuss and analyze history. It was a grave insult to their intelligence."

The debate reached national airwaves Wednesday when Katie Couric of NBC's Today pressed Superintendent Sara Wilcox about the decision.

Wilcox defended her choice, saying she felt that each parent should get to choose how to present the attacks to their children.

Since that time, many teachers have incorporated terrorism discussions into their lessons, and Martin County High held an assembly to honor the firefighters and other heroes of the tragedy on Wednesday morning, she said.

Later, Wilcox told Couric, school officials plan to meet with teachers and parents to discuss how such events should be handled in the future.

Wilcox said last week that students were not in the dark about what had happened, merely encouraged to continue daily routines instead of sitting hypnotized by television reports - some conflicting and untrue - in the immediate aftermath of the attacks.

Also, Wilcox said, schools had to consider the possibility that some of the students watching the constant replays of the attacks might have had friends or family in the Pentagon or World Trade Center.

Nearly all the students at the high school and middle school level already knew all the facts of what had happened, and many already had seen footage of the twin towers collapsing in the three hours before the cable was shut off, teachers and principals agreed last week.

"The decision was made in the best interest of the students, to keep routine, structure and calm," Wilcox said.

Nevertheless, Peggy Harowitz, whose daughter, Kathleen, is a senior at South Fork High, said teenage students deserved access to news coverage through the day.

"I think it was important for anybody that age to see it," she said. "I think they missed feeling a part of what was happening at the moment."

Harowitz, who is a substitute teacher in Martin County elementary, middle and high schools, was 10 years old when John F. Kennedy was shot in the Dallas motorcade. She is glad now that her parents let her watch the footage of the assassination and funeral, she said.

"I remember my fourth-grade teacher coming in sobbing, and we talked about it," she said. "We knew what was going on; she didn't shield us from it."

When the space shuttle Challenger exploded in 1986, she explained what happened to her preschool-age elder daughter, now a student in college.

"There are people who are very gentle souls, who will always be so much more touched by things that go on in the world, but life is not always pretty," she said. "When a tragedy happens in their own life, they're more apt to be able to handle it because they've witnessed the other side of life."

Tim Black, who teaches a college-level American history class at the school, said the district's blanket decision infringed on his freedom as an experienced teacher to judge what his students can handle.

"It's called the First Amendment," he said.

In the end, teacher Gaba said, district officials' decision to pull the plug on the news had the opposite effect of what they had desired.

"The idea was that it was causing anxiety, fear and confusion," he said. "But it's not information that causes anxiety, it's lack of information or incomplete information that leads to assumptions."

The Mean (Rhymes with "Irene") Season

We're entering the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico or the Atlantic and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

(Now, before you get all "Wow, Gaba's making fun of hurricane victims after the entire freaking city of New York had to be evacuated this weekend!" snotty on me, just chill: I stole most of this commentary from an email I received when Florida was being hit by Hurricane Frances in 2004. And as the wind was whipping around at some 150 miles an hour, and the rain was pelting down at about the same speed, I thought, "This list is funny as all hell!" So just chill, y'awl!)

OK, where was I? Oh, yes ...

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. Many people in southeast Florida are originally from the northeast - New York, New Jersey, Philly, Boston - and moved to get away from the cold and the snow. Bet you never really thought about what goes on down here during the summer or autumn. (Ironically, now that Hurricane Irene has done its somewhat minimal damage - some flooding, a few deaths, lots of power outages - along the eastern seaboard, should we in The Sunshine State start worrying about blizzard conditions hitting us in December as Mother Nature's payback?)

If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Ohio and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Instead, most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HURRICANE INSURANCE:
If you own or rent a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Ohio.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house (if not more).

At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since moving to Florida in 1999, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and - if it's a major hurricane - all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood Shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-Metal Shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-Down Shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-Proof Windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Ohio.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool. (If you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the closest Publix and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
(1) 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that won't work or will be the wrong size for the flashlights.
(2) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
(3) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
(4) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
(5) A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
(6) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.

There Sure Is Something Familiar About That Bowling Ball

What is it about Iowa that causes 2012 Republican presidential candidates (and potential candidates) to say such amazingly stupid things?

In June, Michelle Bachmann - while kicking off her official presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa - confused a killer (John Wayne Gacy) with a cowboy (John Wayne): "Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too," she said. Oops; movie star John Wayne was born in Winterset, Iowa, three hours away. The John Wayne that Waterloo was home to is notorious serial killer John Wayne Gacy. Bachmann's camp addressed her remarks in a statement saying, "John Wayne is from Iowa, his parents lived in Waterloo." (Which is true; but Wayne never lived there.)

But a misstatement regarding patriotism and John Wayne's America (or, to be more accurate, John Wayne's cowboy hero character's America; John Wayne, the actor, was a chain-smok­ing, drinking womanizer who was married three times) is one thing. Democrats are jumping all over GOP frontrunner Mitt Romney's commentary from Des Moines on Thursday, where he demonstrated an amazing display of foot-in-mouth disease before an angry crowd:

ROMNEY: Do I believe that Social Security should take no part in deficit reduction negotiations? Social Security and Medicare are a large part of federal spending. It is about half. Not just this year, but over the coming decades, if we are able to balance our budget, we have to make sure that the promises we make for Social Security and Medicare are promises we can keep. There are a couple ways to do that: one way is to raise taxes on people. That's not the way -
VOICES FROM CROWD: Corporations! Corporations!
ROMNEY: Corporations are people, my friend. We could raise taxes and -
VOICE FROM CROWD: No they're not!
ROMNEY: Of course they are. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to people. So - [audience laughter] where do you think it goes?
[audience shouts and laughter]
VOICE FROM CROWD: In their pockets!
ROMNEY: Whose pockets? Whose pockets? People's pockets. Okay - human beings, my friend. Number one, so number one: you can raise taxes. That's not the approach that I would take. Number two, you can make sure that the promises we make are promises that we can keep. And in my view, the areas that you have to consider are, for higher-income people ...

Or to quote my Detroit-area attorney friend Adam Taub from his Facebook page: "Corporations are people? Holy shit, then according to the transitive property, Corporations are . . . SOYLENT GREEN!!!!! ARRRgHhhhhh!!!!"


Wait, do I really need to explain this movie? I do? Ugh. OK, in the year 2022, the greenhouse effect has poisoned the Earth. The world is grossly overpopulated and there are almost no natural food sources remaining. Street vendors sell "Soylent Red" and "Soylent Yellow" (made from soybeans), while the government controls (and hands out rations of) "Soylent Green" every Tuesday. Soylent Green is supposedly made from high-energy plankton, and is often in short supply due to high demand. Real food is unheard of. And ... you know what? I am getting off-topic; click this link to learn more about this Charlton Heston classic!

Back to Romney. Everyone - and by this I mean everyone who follows politics to some degree - knows Romney will do the candidate shuffle on this one, that he will try to tell everyone he really meant corporations employ people, who get paychecks, and so they are "people." But those who are even remotely intelligent know that's not what he meant. Not at all. After all, as CEO of Bain Capital, Romney profited while five of the companies under his firm's direction went bankrupt, and thousands of workers lost their jobs. It will be difficult for Romney to spin this positively; his opponents (whether Democrats or other GOP presidential wanna-be's, all chomping at the bit) will clamor he didn't care much about those people, but he definitely cared about a "person" in the form of Bain Capital.

Romney spokesman Eric Fehrnstrom quickly went to Twitter to defend Romney: "Do folks think corporations are buildings? They're people who incorporate to conduct business. They create jobs and hire more people."

(Sidebar: Is the heckler in the front really Romney's "friend"? A "my friend" quote from anyone who is not really your friend seems a patronizing comment. Perhaps he meant to say, "Corporations are my friends, people.")

Then again, maybe it isn't Iowa; Bachmann ran into this kind of trouble previously, when she confused Concord, N.H., with Concord, Mass., as the birthplace of the American Revolution. And 2008 GOP VP candidate Sarah Palin famously screwed up her American History earlier this year with her misquote about Paul Revere's famous ride:

"He who warned uh, the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, uh by ringing those bells, and um, makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

As any elementary student can probably tell you, Revere was not attempting to warn the British when he rode around crying, "The British are coming." Nor was he ringing bells and trying to protect gun rights. And as any US historian could tell you, Revere didn't even finish the ride that came to be named after him. Revere was stopped by a British patrol on his way to Concord, and never made it. In fact, he was riding with two other men (William Dawes and Dr. Samuel Prescott), only one of whom (Prescott) succeeded in warning the Americans in Concord that the British were coming.

Not that we should let the facts get in the way of our opinions or anything. Thank you, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, for your politically inaccurate poem.

But in the grand scheme of things, I believe Romney's commentary will do far more damage to his credibility than Bachmann's and Palin's historical gaffes will do to theirs. At least with "friends" on the short end of the tax/Social Security/Medicare scale; the (tax-free) corporate donations should keep rolling in.

Hell(s) Angels 2.0

Today's evidence that Hollywood's creativity tank is more in debt than the USFG:



Yes, Charlie's long-legged, sexy, "don't fuck with us" ninja-esque warriors are returning to ABC, some 35 years after the original Bad Girls strutted their collective stuff on network television. The reboot (starring Annie Ilonzeh, Minka Kelly and Rachael Taylor, plus the irritatingly gravel voiced presence of Ramon Rodriguez) is set in Miami (as opposed to the original's California), because ... well hey, why the hell not have it set in Miami?

From the synopsis it appears ABC is reinventing the show that once was. I anticipate this will result in a quick, painless death for the series, for a few reasons:

1: The General Plotline

In doing some background research, I happened upon the generic premise behind each show. You tell me, which is more believable?

1976: Three women graduate from the Los Angeles police academy, only to be assigned wonderful duties like handling switchboards and directing traffic. They quit and are hired to work for the Charles Townsend Agency as private investigators.



For those of you who are too young to understand life in the 1970s, that "thing" Kate Jackson approaches on horseback is what we old folks call a "pay telephone." Even though they were available in the mid-70s, her wealthy-as-all-hell boss apparently could not afford to buy her a pager. Apparently the same was true for both Farrah Fawcett-Majors and Jaclyn Smith (as well as for Cheryl Ladd when she replaced Fawcett-Majors, and for Shelly Hack when she replaced Jackson, and Tanya Roberts when she replaced Hack.) Cheap, technologically-ignorant bastard.

2011: Three beautiful women (a former Miami police officer, a mysterious street racer, and a well-to-do thief) are given a chance at redemption when they are recruited by an anonymous millionaire named Charlie Townsend to solve crimes (while struggling with their own personal problems, love lives and each others' friendship).



Call me sentimental, but 1976 easily outweighs the new edition in the "believability" quotient. OK, maybe not "easily," but ...

2: The Jiggle Factor.

1976: The show became known as "Jiggle TV" and "T&A TV" by critics who felt the show had no intelligence or substance, and that the scantily or provocatively dressed Angels (generally as part of their undercover character - whether roller derby girls, beauty pageant contestants, maids, female prisoners, or just bikini-clad) did so to showcase the figures and/or sexuality of the actresses as a sole means of attracting viewers. Critics weren't the only ones who believed this to be the case; Fawcett-Majors once attributed the show's success to this: "When the show was number three, I figured it was our acting. When it got to be number one, I decided it could only be because none of us wears a bra."



2011: Who needs gratuitous network TV cleavage when you have gratuitous nudity on cable and the Internet? Seriously! Duh!

3: The Death of Creativity.

Recent major network reboots of classic shows like The Bionic Woman and Knight Rider have sputtered and died quick and painful deaths. Rumor has it executive producer Drew Barrymore is pushing the TV series because she couldn't get a third movie version green-lit by the studios. The vast majority of reader comments on various websites discussing the show have no faith it will survive anything remotely close to the original's five-year TV stint.

Of course, this isn't the first time the Angels have been resurrected; there were two film versions put together in the past decade (where Cameron Diaz, Barrymore and Lucy Liu provided the cheesecake poses and dialogue, while Bill Murray and Bernie Mac split time as Bosley). Both scored not-so-surprisingly low audience reviews and equally not-so-surprisingly decent financial returns, probably because like the USFG, there are a lot of people out there with nothing better to do with their money than waste it on horrid ideas.



Full Throttle even made Cracked.com's list of The 5 Most Pointless Movie Adaptations of TV Shows four years ago. Shocker, I know ...

This is not to say that all reboots are bad. For example, Batman Begins is pretty sweet for two reasons: (1) it gave us The Dark Knight, and (2) it wiped all most of our memories of the horrid suck of time that was Batman Forever. And the entire Star Trek/Star Trek: The Next Generation thing worked out very well.

But history has shown - and will continue to show - that no matter how bad the original may have been (and no one ever claimed the original Charlie's Angels was a sophisticated art form), reinventing the wheel is almost always a horrid idea. Peter Sellers is turning in his grave over the putrid mess that was Steve Martin's The Pink Panther (perhaps the single-worst movie that could be offensive to a dead actor). Superman Returns was a disaster, as was Tom Cruise's The War of the Worlds. Nicholas Cage's The Wicker Man, Russell Brand's Arthur, Gus Van Sant’s Psycho, Frank Oz’s The Stepford Wives, Guy Ritchie’s Swept Away - seriously? Seriously awful is more like it. The 2001 Planet of the Apes movie sucked bananas. The abysmal 1998 remake of Lost in Space was ... did anyone actually see it? Hello? Hello?

At least there's no plans to reboot the worst movie ever created, 1984's Red Dawn, which starred Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, Charlie Sheen, Lea Thompson, Jennifer Grey, Harry Dean Stanton, Powers Boothe, and ... wait, what the hell?



Holy shit! Send in the Angels, Charlie - pronto!

The Opposite Of Progress Is ...

Neil deGrasse Tyson is an American astrophysicist, science communicator, the Frederick P. Rose Director of the Hayden Planetarium at the Rose Center for Earth and Space, and a Research Associate in the Department of Astrophysics at the American Museum of Natural History.

Since 2006 he has hosted the educational science television show NOVA scienceNOW on PBS, and has been a frequent guest on The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Real Time with Bill Maher, and Jeopardy!. It was announced yesterday he will be hosting a new sequel to Carl Sagan's Cosmos: A Personal Voyage TV series.

In case you weren't sure, based on all of this background ... the dude is pretty damn intelligent. And busy. What you might not have been able to ascertain is that the astrophysicist is personable, witty, and anything but shy. He is also anything but non-controversial; he has argued intelligent design (which credits complex, yet-to-be-understood phenomena in nature to a higher intelligence) thwarts the advance of scientific knowledge. An agnostic, he has written and broadcast extensively about his views of religion, spirituality and the spirituality of science itself.

Additionally, as director of the Hayden Planetarium, Tyson bucked traditional thinking to keep Pluto from being referred to as the ninth planet in exhibits at the center, explaining he wanted to look at commonalities between objects, grouping the terrestrial planets together, the gas giants together, and Pluto with like objects and to get away from simply counting the planets. He has stated on several TV appearances, including on The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, and BBC Horizon, that this decision resulted in large amounts of hate mail, much of it from children.

I'm followed (off and on, not really consistently) Tyson's recent successes. This basically means I've caught him on TV a few times, read an interview or two, and even perused his website on occasion (Earth to Neil: your website has a few tabs in need of updating!). His commentary on various scientific (and non-scientific) topics captures and energizes me. This was reinforced on last night's episode of Real Time with Bill Maher, in what turned out to be (IMHO) one of the best, most engaging episodes of the show ever.

Some background: Tyson was part of Maher's panel, which also included Joan Walsh (Editor-at-Large of Salon.com) and film producer Stephen K. Bannon (whose latest film is the Sarah Palin documentary The Undefeated). Chef Anthony Bourdain, host of the Travel Channel’s Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, also joined the trio (and Maher) midway through the program.

Several things that marvel me about the show include: (1) Maher's guests run the gamut - while some are what might be considered "traditional" late-night talk show guests, others are definitely not your run-of-the-mill celebrities; and (2) while Maher is definitely on the liberal side of the political aisle, his guests are all over the place. For example: last night, Walsh opined from the liberal viewpoint, Bannon supported the Tea Party platform, Bourdian discussed the idea of food as general political viewpoints (stating he had dined with a number of worldly individuals from multiple political viewpoints, and was constantly amazed that they could share food while often having nothing in common politically), and Tyson pushed not so much a political ideology but a pragmatic one based on science and statistics.

It was Tyson's comments on two specific topics last night that truly grabbed my attention. One of his observations (not a huge surprise, to be honest) was that the US Congress is comprised of a lot of attorneys, who are used to being polished speakers in trials and through debate skills, but don't always understand the details of what they are selling:

You know what my concern is about Congress? I checked these numbers: 57 percent of the Senate, 38 percent of the House cite "law" as their profession. And, when you look at law, law … doesn't go to what's right, it goes to who argues best. And there's this urge, the entire profession is founded on who the best arguers are. [Each side arguing, with the truth somehow emerging is] the premise; however, the practice, which, for example, is bred in debating teams, for example, where you know the subject, but you don't know which side you're going to be put on to argue. And so the act of arguing, and not agreeing, seems to be fundamental to that profession, and Congress is half that profession.

I realized this when I was 12; I said, "I wonder what profession all these Senators and Congressmen were." Law, law, law, law, businessman, law, law. And I said, "There's no scientists? Where are the engineers? Where's the rest of life represented?" And so when I look at the conflicts, the argumentative conflicts, I just sit back and say, ya know, "Can I buy an engineer, please? Or scientist?" Put somebody … a businessman … a business person, who knows how to make a hard but significant financial decision because at the end of the day they've got to make their books work. I'm screaming, I'm sorry.

I wasn't sure if I should be proud or depressed about this statement. On one hand, I agree, there should be much more diversification in terms of who represents the interests of the people - and this goes across the board: professional background, financial status, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, the works. On the other hand ... hey, I am a debate teacher, and Tyson's statement about the premise of the legal profession is so very true, and what I teach my students: you need to be able to argue both sides of a topic, because you never know which side you will be in in a specific round.

The second comment he made regarded the recent Congressional/Presidential debt battle, which basically boiled down to "taxes do/don't need to be raised" because "more revenue is/ins't needed" and "spending does/doesn't need to be decreased." (OK, it was a bit more complex than this, but you get the gist.) Anyway, the topic of TARP/stimulus money was (naturally) part of the discussion, and Tyson - bringing the conversation into the science arena - noted that the $850 billion (before interest) TARP bank bailout money "is greater than the entire 50-year running budget of NASA." He then added the following:

"It's not that you don't have enough money, it's that the distribution of the money that you're spending is warped in some way that you are removing the only thing that gives people something to dream about tomorrow."

Yes, he was talking about NASA, but the logic can be equally applied to almost all areas of government spending. And this blows me away. Because in the rhetoric spewed from all sides of the political landscape recently, I don't recall anyone stating so succinctly the obvious. I heard tons of argumentation about the need for more revenue (specifically, raising taxes on the rich and cutting tax loopholes pertaining to corporations). I heard an equal number of claims that we needed to cut spending instead of increasing the tax base. But I honestly cannot recall anyone stating what Tyson did during the entire debate: that it's not so much the need for more income, or the reduction of current spending (although, to be honest, both are probably needed), but how we, as a nation, spend what we spend, in terms of the future, not the "now."

Let's be honest: despite the financial mess we are in, does anyone truly believe the US won't send financial aid to the Middle East, Japan, Mexico, Europe? Does anyone doubt whether we will still assist people across the world impacted by natural disaster? Please. The answer is obvious - we will always spend overseas, because it's what we do best ... even when we are so far in debt, it's refuckingdiculous.

Let's face it - government, in general, is reactive, not proactive. Tyson is a proactive thinker. That's why I love listening to him, and that's why, unless there is a major paradigm shift in logic on Capitol Hill, the "dreaming about tomorrow" won't be any sort of reality.

The $2.4 Billion Homeless Shelter

In May, Miami New Times writer Tim Elfrink opened his commentary about the soon-to-open BRAND SPANKING NEW MIAMI MARLINS STADIUM! with the following eloquent perspective:

Like a festering, silver-plated pustule, a grotesquely huge can opener, or just an obscene ode to wasted cash, the new Florida Marlins stadium is rising above Miami's skyline. Whether you're driving down a tree-shaded block in Little Havana or cruising the Dolphin Expressway to South Beach, there it is: a $515 million money sucker that is probably the worst deal for taxpayers of any stadium in America.

In case you're a bit fuzzy (or can't find your copy of a Thesaurus to look up the numerous beautifully crafted $500 metaphors), Elfrink - like a large portion of the southeast Florida population that (a) hates paying more taxes in a depressed economy, (b) despises Miami-Dade politicians for playing footsie with über-rich Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria, and (c) ignores the Marlins when they're World Series champion caliber (and are staying away in droves this year - the Fighting Fish are last in Major League Baseball, averaging just over 17,500 a game) - is still a bit perturbed about the entire ethically-questionable means that the stadium was approved and the funding achieved.

Why is it such a raw deal? Elfrink points out the following:

1: Other cities have extracted far more funds from their teams to build a new park than Miami, where Loria is fronting just under 30 percent of the $515 million cost. Compare this to St. Louis, where the Cardinals and private investors eventually covered 88 percent of financing for the new Busch Stadium, San Diego (43 percent privately financed), or Detroit (37 percent private).

(And, he notes, while Washington, D.C., footed the entire $611 million bill for the new Nationals Park, D.C. gets millions in rent from the team in return and shares revenue generated by the stadium ... while with the Marlins, the city and county get almost none of the new ballpark revenue.)

2: Miami-Dade County officials "were so incompetent in negotiating the project that they stuck taxpayers with interest rates that would have made a mid-housing-bubble speculator gasp," he noted. By the time the bonds are paid off in 40 years, that $515 million will have ballooned into $2.4 billion ... while the team pays no taxes on the land.

This is in addition to the fiscal backscratching some of the politicos in charge received. Former county commission chairman Bruno Barreiro, whose district included Little Havana and the site for the new park, took almost $40,000 in donations in 2008 - one in every six dollars of his total take - from firms with an interest in bidding on the project. Barreiro's colleague Joe Martinez was the key vote to hire (without normal bidding) a group called Hunt/Moss to oversee construction; in the year before the vote, Martinez took $500 checks (the maximum amount individuals can give) from a litany of Moss & Associates' top execs, including three vice presidents and the legal counsel. Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Alvarez, a strong supporter of the new stadium, received $50,000 in donations from Loria and Marlins president David Samson to keep him in office during a recent recall campaign; Hunt/Moss added $5,000, and a laundry list of other stadium builders gave more than $73,000.

That last part didn't work; Alvarez was recalled in March (by a whopping 88 percent of Miami-Dade voters who went to the ballot box!), in large part because of his approval of the ballpark - a deal that essentially puts low-income taxpayers on the hook for the cost of it, at the same time county services were threatening to be cut, at the same time he pushed through a budget that raised property taxes, and at the same same time he was calling for a five percent across-the-board cut in pay for most county workers but a 15 percent increase in the salaries of his own staff.

(That's a lot of "same time" moments in one person's life cycle.)

Morally corrupt politicians. Questionable campaign donations. Greedy billionaire ownership. A shaky construction bid process. Sounds pretty pathetic, huh?

Well, let's brighten that skyline a bit. Maybe there's a way that Miami-Dade and Little Havana can turn this to their collective advantage.

In researching how best to address the homeless issue in Sarasota, legal consultant Michael Barfield discovered an obscure state law. Florida State Statute 288.1166 states publicly funded professional sports facilities "shall be designated as a shelter site for the homeless."

While he was not researching the issue to help Miami residents - he was looking into Sarasota options, which (as it turns out) includes the Baltimore Orioles' spring training stadium - it's not too difficult to draw a bright line and cross-apply the idea to other tax-funded stadium. Like the new Marlins home.

"My initial reaction: I laughed," he said in a Sarasota Observer news story of the homeless shelter prospect. "But after thinking about it more, it made sense. (Sarasota's Ed Smith Stadium) has showers, food preparation areas, and it’s only used a few weeks out of the year."

The statute was part of the rule written as a result of local governments using state funds designed specifically to build stadiums to keep spring-training baseball in Florida.

Now, this doesn't guarantee the new 37,000-seat ballpark - which will include really cool (and expensive) amenities like a retractable roof and outfield glass panels, an aquatic home plate backstop, a swimming pool, and customized artwork - will be used as a homeless shelter. Odds are, the courts would get involved, or the Florida legislature. And since this is Florida, no one really knows how either of these entities think (or if they think) at times.

But I, for one, think it's an amazing idea. After all, the new ballpark residents would help boost the team's attendance, giving Loria a chance to "sell out" the ballpark in an entirely different way: one that actually scores PR points with the public.

$ 4 0̸ ... Czechs 4 Free?

Here's something that came to my attention while following the recent US congressional debate over the debt ceiling: According to a statement from the U.S. Treasury, while the Democratic/Republican/Tea Party debates were taking place on how to solve the crisis, the USFG had an operating cash balance of $73.8 billion.

At the same time, Apple Computers' most recent earnings report showed the company had $76.2 billion in cash and marketable securities (at the end of June).

In other words, the world's largest tech company has more cash than the world's largest sovereign government.

This is because - surprise! - Apple collects more money than it spends, while the U.S. government does not.

This led me to ponder the entire "spend more than you have" philosophy, something with which I and many other Americans have vast experience.

Unfortunately, the USFG operates a bit differently than we "regular folks" who actually need to, you know, pay off our debt on a regular basis. To the best of my knowledge, we don't have the luxury of raising our own debt ceiling. We don't get the opportunity to borrow from ourselves to pay debts we have already incurred. At least not legally.

So I've done a bit of research to see what options exist for boosting individual income. Here's some of what I've discovered so far:

Tax Return Embellishment – List anything and anyone you can as a deduction. We can all find some way to justify an expense; the more you put the better. Here's what I'm claiming as dependents on my 1040 next April: 15 million illegals; 2.5 million prisoners; and 535 members of the US Congress. Audit ... what audit?

Invest - Start young. Real young. Hell, start while in elementary school; kindergarten would be even better. Enjoy the beauty of "compound interest," and over time your money will blossom into a really nice nest egg. (OK, if you are reading this, you are probably too old to start in elementary school. So? Get your kids hooked. As for you, the best plan of defense is to invest 50 percent of your salary in a high risk market fund or the penny stock market. You’ve got a 50-50 chance. You’ll either make a million or be broke in 90 days.) Speaking of which ...

Insider Trading - We all know someone on Wall Street in the stock market today, don’t we? Survey says ... yes! Think they keep everything secret? Survey says ... hell no! Why do you think they are rich? Next time you run into one of your Wall Street homies, hit him or her up for some tips. These guys work with stocks all day, so they know where the action is taking place. Maybe they can tell you the best trades in penny stocks (those always seem to go up, right?). Use those tips, and buy what you can!

Marry Rich - How difficult can this be? I mean, seriously now. All that's required is to find someone who has, in the immortal words of Spaceballs hero Lone Star, "a shit load of money," and marry him or her. NOTE: I never said you’d be happy ... just rich. Perhaps not a solution for most of us, but it apparently works for a few.
Letter From Nigeria - This has been proven to be quite successful, given the number of individuals who have actually fallen for this participated in this capital venture. First, write an email to others as the grieving spouse of a recently-deceased high-ranking Nigerian official. Second, let the recipient know that the recently departed had a net worth of some $80,000,000 USD (that's US dollars, in case you weren't sure) that needs to be transferred out of the country immediately. Third, the recipient is asked to urgently assist with the transfer of this $80,000,000 USD out of Nigeria. Finally, offer to give the recipient a portion (30 percent or so) of the $80,000,000 for his or her assistance. All the recipient needs to do is supply his or her bank account number, and the 30 percent or so will be direct-deposited. Isn't that special? You don't even need to live in in Nigeria to do this! (Click this link to review sample letters; you want yours to look really professional!)

Win The Lottery - Yeah, I know the odds of getting struck by lightning are better than the odds of winning Lotto. But you can’t win if you don’t try, and it’s one of the few ways I know where you can get rich fast. (And if all else fails, you can use the losing tickets to wallpaper the kitchen, the bathroom, the garage ...)

Gambling - Ever played blackjack? Craps? These games have some of the best odds in the casino! You can learn all sorts of different playing strategies online to help you win. I've watched my share of World Series of Poker on ESPN, and it doesn't look that tough.

Rich Parents - If you're born into wealth, you're halfway there. All you have to do is stay in their good graces ... and convince the 'rents not to spend their money (and leave it to you when they pass). After all, why should your parents get to enjoy the wealth they earned?

Get An Education - Go to college for lots and lots of years, accumulate plenty of debt (to paraphrase the immortal words of Spaceballs hero Lone Star, "a shit load of debt!"), and choose a career that pays big bucks. For example, if you believe the Tea Party manta, education. After about 15-20 years in your chosen profession, you should be rolling in the dough, and you might even be filthy rich before you get old.

Become A Star - Look ... if Elizabeth Berkley or Pauly Shore can do it, why can’t you? Seriously! A couple of acting lessons and you should be set for life. All you need to do is head to Hollywood (California, not Florida) and strike it big. One good movie (or one sexual hookup with a wealthy Hollywood star or starlet, which you can incorporate into blackmail), and you’ll be set for life.

Invest In Real Estate - Look at the economy. Look at the current foreclosure data. There's plenty of homes out there, on the cheap, that you can swoop in and buy! Do it! Then wait 10 years, 20 years, maybe even 30 years - but inflation will have your investment growing by leaps and bounds, and you could be filthy, stinking rich ... especially if you bought in an up and coming area while house prices are still low. Now, given the current economic climate, it's true, it might take more than your lifetime to see any major dramatic increases. No biggie; you can leave it to your kids, who can leave it to their kids. In another 100 years or so, someone’s going to be sitting pretty. Or, you could ...

Buy Property and Flip It - Rates have dropped. Housing prices have dropped. Now is the time to start reaping the rewards of of the housing bubble burst! Do you own a home now? Leverage that home with a home equity loan and buy up what properties you can. Housing prices will go up again, and you will see the green!

The Internet - Dot-com's are gold! Really! Where have you been? A quick search on the Web reveals plenty of sites that can teach you (yes, you!) how to make $50,000+ a day. Personally, I think most of us could live quite comfortably on that. (I'm pretty sure I can.) All you need to do is part with about $1,000, and they’ll tell you the secrets of wealth in one page or less. If the first one doesn’t do it for you, perhaps you might want to try a few other options; after all, variety is the spice of life. Or ... perhaps what you should do is set up one of these sites. Then you’ll be the one getting rich off the other poor idiots that part with their $1,000.

Bank Robbery - Do I really need to explain this one? Really? OK ... yes, it's highly illegal in most communities, and you could end up spending the rest of your life in the slammer ... but desperate needs require desperate measures. Besides, after you're caught, you’ll have free room and board the rest of your life. Plus, you can write a book about the experience (with handy hints on what not to do when robbing a bank). You then get rich from your book - ta-da! (Bonus: And even better, you’ll stay rich because there is really no place to spend it while in jail!)

High Risk Work - Take on a high risk job no one else wants - Casey Anthony bodyguard, bean counter in Afghanistan, oil tycoon in Iran. If you live through it you’ll be rolling in the dough. What does it matter that 99 percent never live through it? You’ve got a 1 percent chance, and when it comes to getting rich those are pretty good odds. Sure beats the lottery!

Rescue A Princess - Step 1: Discover a Druish princess (possibly named Vespa) has reenacted Runaway Bride, then was kidnapped by evil forces. Step 2: Receive a desperate phone call from her father, King Roland (who conveniently looks like Dick Van Patten), offering "a million space bucks." Step 3: Rescue the princess. Step 4: Profit!

Be a US Senator or Representative - Then you can spend more than you have, thus solving the problem before it becomes an issue! Who cares how this will negatively impact future generations!

Sounds like a plan (or two, or more) to me ...

Maybe You're A Shitty Cameraman! I Don't Know!

It's one of those pivotal scenes in one of the greatest films of all time. Obi-Wan (Ben) Kenobi, Luke Skywalker, R2-D2 and C-3PO are in a speeder, gazing into the near distance from a cliff, at the community where they hope to find transport, leave Tatooine, join the rebel forces, and fight the bad guys. And as the camera captures the region, bathed in twin-sun warmth, Kenobi utters what would become a notable line from all of movie lore:

Mos Eisley spaceport: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

In today's world, we have apparently replaced the term "Mos Eisley spaceport" with "US public schools and public educators." How else to explain why teachers, and the teaching profession, are treated with such vile contempt from at least two quite different groups - politicians (primarily from the right wing), and the public at large.

Public education has been the bedrock foundation of America's success in the 20th century. The ability of every child to get a free public education in this country propelled us to great success and was a great socioecono­mic leveler of the playing field. But now, instead of being bolstered and improved, this system is under attack. I'm not claiming it to be perfect, but I do think that many of the attempts by our elected leaders (on both sides of the aisles) are misguided, because they are trying to craft a one-size-fits-all business model onto the education system, and it does not, and can not, work as effectively as they would like.

First, politicians. Fairly or not, the Republican Party is perceived as being anti-public education. Republican pollsters have advised GOP candidates repeatedly in recent years to avoid calling for the end of the federal Department of Education, largely because it gives the appearance of hostility towards public education, which is thought to be an electoral loser for Republicans. Today, that's shifted; Republicans aren't just criticizing public schools, now, they're overtly calling for the institution's complete elimination. This isn't something they're embarrassed about; these GOP voices are stating the goal plainly, as if there's a genuine appetite among voters to scrap the entirety of the American public education system. To wit:

- Back in March, Rick Santorum brought his presidential ambitions to New Hampshire, and targeted (among others) public schools. "Just call them what they are," Santorum said. "Public schools? That's a nice way of putting it. These are government-run schools."
- At a home-schooling rally in Iowa, Ron Paul stated, "They start with our kids even in kindergarten, teaching them about family values, sexual education, gun rights, environmentalism -- and they condition them to believe in so much which is totally un-American."
- At that same Iowa rally, Michelle Bachmann said home schooling is the "essence" of freedom and liberty, adding, "It's about knowing our children better than the state knows our children."

All of this, comes against the backdrop of Republican governors slashing funds for public schools, and even the reinvigoration of the school voucher movement, which has been largely dormant for years.

I, for one, would like to believe that the GOP isn't out to privatize the entire education business. I have Republican friends who are public educators or the product of public educators. (I've even campaigned for a few Republicans.) But in the end, it's all about business. From a conservative/pro-business perspective, just think how much profit there is to be made if the US privatizes its entire educational system the way the states privatize prison systems. Corporations are always looking for big piles of cash to wrap their paws around. The biggest piles of cash left in this country are in our educational system, our highway system and Social Security. Two of these reek of that evil word "socialism" (and yes, US public education is, by any definition, a socialist enterprise; if you really need me to explain that concept, let me know, I will dedicate an entirely different commentary to that topic).

To a large degree, this has already happened with the standardized test industry. Let's look at Florida, since I happen to conveniently work in The Sunshine State, for such an example.

Florida's student standardized test is the FCAT - the Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test. The FCAT can trace its roots directly to the conservative agenda that brought us the "Contract with America" in 1994. In fact, in former Gov. Jeb Bush's failed first run for office, he sought to dismantle Florida's department of education and implement a statewide voucher program. But he lost.

By 1998 Bush was sounding more moderate, at least on the voucher issue; he made them peripheral, reserved only for students in the state's worst schools. The primary element of his school-reform plan was, and is, a school-grading system, which ranks schools based heavily on how well they do on the FCAT (which debuted in 1999). Schools that improve a grade from one year to the next, or get an "A," are rewarded with a per-student bonus. It's up to the school to decide how to spend the money.

The FCAT has been controversial since it started, and the litany of complaints about it are, by now, familiar: teachers "teach the test;" subjects such as art, music, history and geography aren't emphasized in class because they're not heavily emphasized on the test; and after-school programs have been replaced by FCAT-prep courses. Simply put, the FCAT dominates schools.

Supporters of the FCAT say standardized tests are the only way to account for the enormous sums spent on public education, that tests hold to the grindstone the noses of teachers, administrators and students while helping instill a climate of competition that benefits all sides. Opponents - including educators and education researchers - think increased standardized testing is the road to perdition, transforming education into a cookie-cutter technology based on manufacturing principles rather than the goal of fostering and fulfilling curiosity.

Regardless of which side you are on, one thing is painfully obvious: standardized testing is one hell of a cash cow. The Florida Department of Education is currently paying NCS Pearson $254 million over a four-year period (through November 2013) to administer the FCAT. This despite a history of delayed results and erroneous scoring during the previous contract between the two.

I'm not in the wrong business; I'm in the wrong aspect of the business!

As for the "public at large," read virtually any - and I do mean any - article that comes out about public education today. Articles about salaries. About test scores. About No Child Left Behind. Charter schools. College prep courses. Tutoring. Then, more importantly, peruse the reader comments at the end of the story. Odds are, you'll see comments like this on the "we hate education" side:

- When someone tells me she's a teacher, they may as well say "I make lots of money and benefits for babysitting." A teacher is NOT a real profession, and they are sucking the tax dollars out of the rest of us.
- Unions and other corrupt organizations like the NEA are nothing but a front for mindless teachers who don't give a rats ass for teaching, but how much more can I get paid and taken care of without working for it.
- It's funny how 30 years ago teachers made enough to live on and the teaching was better. Goes to show throwing more money at a problem won't fix it. It just makes fat and lazy people more lazy.
- If you want to save the school system, lower teachers salary!!! Teachers are overpaid and will run the system in the ground if not lowered. Under the guise of "what's best for the children" they are seeking HIGHER TAXATION so they can RAISE THEIR SALARIES. It's not about the children, it's about them.
- These slackers get a 10 week summer vacation and a 3 week Christmas break, as well as a 1 week spring break and several “in service days." Teachers work less than the average professional, who works at least 10 hours a day, takes work home, and gets two or three weeks vacation.
- Teaching, just an occupation for those who are too stupid to hold real jobs ...

And on the "other" (pro-education) side, you see these types of comments:

- Why bash our teachers? Why not be honest and just say, "Thank you for all that you do for our children." What happened to, "It takes a village to raise a child
- Until you walk in a teacher's shoes, you will not know what he/she does. And for every single penny the government does not spend on your child, but the teacher takes money from his/her own paycheck to pay for supplies or rewards, deserves something more than a "thank you."
- Teachers deserve better pay and better benefits. They're shaping tomorrow's future while putting up with all of the issues parents have pushed onto their children, and they're hardly allowed to correct bad behavior. I'd rather be dead than uneducated.
- I retired from education last year. I miss the kids, but I don’t miss the politics. When I read comments from the public, they think that I must sit around and count my million-dollar pension.
- The forces of fascism don't just go after control of the media. They discredit and attempt to marginaliz­e intellectu­als and teachers. Teachers disrupt the attempt to create a zombie class of non-intell­ectual slaves.
- In other countries, teachers are respected by students (and parents). In this country, teachers spend classroom time disciplining and trying to control classrooms – doing jobs that parents should be doing at home. That is why there is less accomplished. Parents have dumped their responsibilities on the teachers, instead of being responsible for their own children.

Many people pinpoint the "downfall" of American education with the 1983 report "A Nation at Risk." The past 30 years of increasing governmental intervention (and increasing control) has served to enculcate a system that is mind-numbing for all stakeholders. Testing, done ostensibly to raise standards, has paradoxically served to lower academic standards over the years! Tests (such as the FCAT) are developed by corporations, there is questionable oversight, and the results are most probably curved.

The truth is that politicians, teachers, parents, unions, school administrators, school boards, concerned citizens, and students all share the responsibility and the blame for an imperfect and disappointing public school system. Singling any one of these groups out for the majority of the blame guarantees that no progress will be made.

However ... "singling out" can sometimes lead to interesting and humorous media events. Such as the current hottest education-based viral video, that of actor Matt Damon shooting from the hip and scoring (in many people's eyes) a bulls-eye at a reporter and cameraman trying to single out teachers.

If you haven't seen it, a brief introduction: Following his keynote address at the recent Save Our Schools rally in Washington, D.C. Damon - whose mom is a Boston-area teacher - took offense when a TV reporter contended that, as opposed to the environment faced by teachers in a tenure system, the lack of job security in acting functions as an incentive for hard work. Damon's response:

You think job insecurity is what makes me work hard? I want to be an actor. That’s not an incentive. That’s the thing. See, you take this MBA-style thinking, right? It’s the problem with ed policy right now, it's this intrinsically paternalistic view of problems that are much more complex than that. It’s like saying a teacher is going to get lazy when they have tenure. A teacher wants to teach. I mean, why else would you take a shitty salary and really long hours and do that job unless you really love to do it?

After Damon's comments, the cameraman responded: “Isn't it 10 percent of teachers bad, though? Ten percent of teachers are bad.” After Damon's mom asked where the cameraman got his numbers, he responded, "I don't know. Ten percent of people in any profession maybe should think of something else."

To which Damon delivers a wonderful (IMHO) impromptu smackdown of a not-very-well-thought-out question: “Maybe you’re a shitty cameraman. I don't know.”

Here is Damon's give-and-take with the reporter and cameraman, with some analytical commentary from Anderson Cooper:


Don't mess with Matt Damon!

(Aside: I wish "they" (whoever "they" are) would define "bad teacher" ... is it a teacher who fails students who don't do good work? Teachers who pass everyone? Teachers who assign homework? Teachers who decide not to tolerate outrageous and disruptive behavior in their classrooms­? Are we talking about teachers who don't stop and make sure every student has "gotten it" before moving on, or about teachers who do, slowing down and boring the brighter ones? Is it impatience­? Inflexibil­ity? Hard markers? Not knowing the material? If those are the ones deemed "bad" - well, isn't that the kind of characteri­stic-set those kids will be facing on the job? Shouldn't they learn how to cope with those kinds of situations as well? No one will admit to those being the definition of "bad.")

Sorry, I digressed.

It’s time for real, meaningful, LEGITIMATE discussion about the embedded cultural issues existing in our country today which negatively impact the successes of our students in the public education system. If people are truly concerned about education reform, they need to stop the finger-pointing and blaming, and instead start critical inquiry into these issues. They should engage educators (or multiple teachers) in a dialogue about the issues he or she finds in the system and in the classroom, and really listen. People can't pretend they know everything about the problem - they don’t (nor do I). Please don’t pretend to know how to get a classroom of 25-30 high school students to care about Shakespeare, poetry or comma splices. Talk to us. Despite the bad rap teachers get, the vast majority of us are hard-working individuals who give everything we can to our profession (and then some). We are more than happy to talk with you about our professional lives (sometimes to the point of talking your ear off). Ask questions, think about the responses we offer, and do something with what you get. Contact legislators and urge them to come up with a viable, serious plan that addresses the real problems. It’s the only way that there will every be a solution.

Sidebar: If you want to watch Damon's entire speech at the SOS rally, here it is:

Lady Macbeth Was Wrong!

Hello. So it begins, again.

Here I am, back after an 18-month sabbatical from writing in this forum. So much has changed, and yet ... has it, really? Our government's economy is still in the tank. Our nation's political divide is still evident. The Detroit Red Wings are a dominant hockey team. Geico is still making humorously obnoxious television commercials.

When looking at my personal life, again, it seems like the differences between January 2010 and August 2011 are cosmetic at worst. I'm still teaching high school in West Palm Beach, although the courses have shifted from debate, speech and British literature to debate, speech and drama. I'm still plugging along in the '97 Toyota RAV 4.

But there has been one very significant shift in the World of Gaba. The paradigm has been adjusted because of years - decades - of dietary abuse combined with a lack of consistent physical exercise. This culminated with the official learning last Thursday that I am type 2 diabetic.

Type 2 diabetes is the most common form of diabetes. Millions of Americans have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, and many more are unaware they are at high risk. In type 2 diabetes, either the body does not produce enough insulin or the cells ignore the insulin. Insulin is necessary for the body to be able to use glucose for energy. When you eat food, the body breaks down all of the sugars and starches into glucose, which is the basic fuel for the cells in the body. Insulin takes the sugar from the blood into the cells. When glucose builds up in the blood instead of going into cells, it can lead to diabetes complications.

The scariest part about this was, I was not shocked. I've been overweight for years, and the combination of fatty/sweet/unhealthy foods and inconsistent trips to the gym (or even non-gym physical activity, like mall walking) made this inevitable. I knew it. And yet, I did nothing (or, more accurately, almost nothing) about it, until my personal physician presented me with a six-page analysis of my blood work.

Cholesterol - high.
Triglycerides - high.
Insulin Resistance Score - high.
Glucose - high.
Hemoglobin A1c - high.

While the official notice came Thursday, this did not happen overnight. This was a ticking time bomb, always there, evident to everyone around me - including myself.

The past four days have been a combination of reflective thoughts and proactive changes. I have gone through my freezer, fridge, and cabinets, and removed virtually anything and everything that can not, must not, be part of my dietary future. Gone are Knorr's noodle packs, white rice, cans of Chef Boyardee, and other foods that are high in sugar, carbohydrates, sodium, etc. These have been replaced by skinless chicken breasts, low-fat ground beef and ground turkey, Lean Cuisine and Weight Watchers frozen meals (still high in sodium, I know), whole grain pasta. Friday, I spent two-plus hours in the Publix aisles, peering at every nutritional label, using my iPhone to go on-line and look at nutrition guides.

I have also returned to the gym. I actually returned several weeks ago, after what seemed like five gallons of blood was tapped from my arm in mid-July. I have been going 3-4 times a week now, working first on cardio and building up my stamina, then adding strength training. The combination of better eating and working out since July 14 has seen my weight dive-bomb from an unhealthy 275 to a still-unhealthy (but not quite as bad) 259. My goal is to hit 200 by Labor Day 2012, which is 13 months away. (Losing a pound a day, which I did the last half of July, is not, IMHO, a realistic pace to maintain. But it sure feels good!)

"What's done is done, it cannot be undone," Lady Macbeth opined in Shakespeare's world centuries ago, in an attempt to help her husband from worrying about his recent (as in, just a few moments prior) killing of his cousin, King Duncan of Scotland. What she means by "what's done is done" is exactly what we mean by it today - there's no changing the past, so forget about it. Unfortunately, her words were inaccurate then, and are in today's world. What I have done in my past has made me the man I am today, and I was neither proactive enough nor caring enough about my own health to make the changes that were so evidently needed.

Well, that is no longer the case. Yes, what's done is done, but when it comes to being type 2 diabetic, it can be undone, it will be undone. Better diet + consistent workouts = lowering those numbers by mid-November. Regardless of the results, the revamped lifestyle is just that - my lifestyle, my future. I cannot go back to the fast foods, the pizza, the other ingredients of my personal destruction. All I can do is look forward with a positive attitude. And that's what I intend to do.