Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Ball

A number of years ago, during one of NBC's Saturday Night Live upswings (early 1991), a parody advertisement was aired on the weekly satire/comedy program - a skit about a toy rubber ball that is accompanied by a long series of warnings and disclaimers, including:

- Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
- Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
- Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
- Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
- Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs: itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, heart palpitations.
- If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
- Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
- When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
- Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing green substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
- Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is being dropped by our warplanes in Iraq.
- Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
- Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime warranty.

I have been reminded by this on a seemingly regular basis the past few years due to real commercials that have been airing on network and cable stations. Specifically, when dealing with "direct to consumer" (DTC) advertising done by pharmaceutical agencies.

DTC media advertising used to be nonexistent, and even when it started to creep into the mainstream, it was minimal at best. This all changed in 1997, when the US Food and Drug Administration loosened rules governing such marketing. The result some dozen years later: one seemingly cannot watch television without being inundated with any of the $4.3 billion in advertisements for Lipitor, Zoloft, Paxil, Flomax, and a slew of other medication.

Now, I have no clue if our society is better off today because of the multitude of medical options we can embrace. I'm sure some people have seen their lifestyle improved to various degrees, and I am equally positive others have seen no improvement whatsoever. And I am equally unclear whether the overkill of advertisement has led to the purported lifestyle improvements, although I'm pretty sure the pharmaceutical powers (GlaxoSmithKline, Eli Lilly, Pfizer, Merck, etc.) are making some serious profits.

So how does all of this relate to Happy Fun Ball? Easy: the multiple disclaimers that are tossed about orally and visually during the scenes where men scamper to the bathroom because of overactive bladders, or where couples lazily stare into the sunset in his-and-hers bathtubs in the middle of a pastoral field of green. For example, Viagra warns viewers of the following:

- If you take medicines that has nitrates in them you should not take Viagra.
- The most common side effects are headaches, facial flushing and upset stomach.
- Less commonly, bluish vision, blurred vision or sensitivity to light may occur.
- And - of course - as with any ED medication, if an erection lasts more than four hours, seek immediate medical help to avoid long-term injury.

What about Celexa, a drug that purportedly deals with depression? Its list of mild side effects include nausea, headaches, drowsiness, dry mouth, dizziness, insomnia; serious side effects include mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, impulsive or hostile behavior, increased depression, and ... suicidal thoughts.

OK, those are some serious side effects!

A few years ago, the musical artist Lazyboy released a song called "Underwear Goes Inside the Pants," a satirical analysis of today's society, In part, he takes a humorous stab at the DTC craze:

You know we have more prescription drugs now. Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can't watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases. Like: "Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?" Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it. Half the time I don't even know what the commercial is: people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean. I'm like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that? That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.

Sounds to me like the only thing missing from Lazyboy's world is a Happy Fun Ball!