The Cartman Identity

One of the most famous songs recorded by 1960s comic singer Allan Sherman - who was his era's "Weird Al" Yankovic with a distinct Jewish flavor - is a ditty called "Hail To Thee, Fat Person!" Less than two minuets in length, it ranks as one of the most original social commentaries on obesity:

I would like to explain how it came to pass that I got fat.
Ladies and gentlemen, I got fat as a public service.
When I was a child, my mother said to me,
"Clean the plate, because children are starving in Europe."
And I might point out that that was years before the Marshall Plan
was ever heard of.
So I would clean the plate - four, five, six times a day.
Because somehow I felt that that would keep the children from starving
in Europe.
But I was wrong. They kept starving. And I got fat.
So I would like to say to every one of you who is either skinny
or in some other way normal -
When you walk out on the street, and you see a fat person,
Do not scoff at that fat person. Oh no!
Take off your hat. Hold it over your heart.
Lift your chin up high. And in a proud, happy voice say to him,
"Hail to thee, fat person!
You kept us out of war!"

Some 40 years later, obesity is an even larger (pardon the pun) problem in the United States. According to the Center for Disease Control in a study presented yesterday, 26 percent of the United States adult population - more than one in every four - are obese.

Research has shown that as weight increases to reach the levels referred to as "overweight" and "obesity," the risks for coronary heart disease, type 2 diabetes, cancers (endometrial, breast, and colon), hypertension (high blood pressure), dyslipidemia (for example, high total cholesterol or high levels of triglycerides), stroke, liver and gallbladder disease, sleep apnea and respiratory problems, osteoarthritis (a degeneration of cartilage and its underlying bone within a joint), and gynecological problems (abnormal menses, infertility) also increase.

I bring all of this up not because I was doing intense research on the topic, and not even because I caught myself singling along to Yankovic's own saga to gluttony, "Fat." No, it's because several days ago, I finally decided to get off the couch and get back to basics: I returned to the world of the workout.

Let me backtrack. Two years ago - July 2007 - I planted myself on the bathroom scale and was stunned that the number staring back at me was in excess of 250 pounds for the first time. I have been overweight for years - I can date it back to late high school, when two things happened within a short period of time: (a) I got my driver's license, and (b) my 10-speed was stolen. The two are joined at the hip; I became more dependent on transporting myself via the automobile, and I don't mean the Flintstone's foot-powered behemoth. And thus began the transformation from a skinny (especially in comparison to today) 16-year-old to a somewhat rotund man in his early 40s.

Anyway, I was mortified, and decided, OK, it's time to get to work. I scoped out some area gyms, and despite not being a huge fan of the "commercial" approach, went with the package offered by LA Fitness. The decision centered on several factors - decent cost, variety of equipment, extra options (pool, racquetball courts, basketball courts, sauna), and hours. I also locked into a series of personal trainer sessions.

And I began working out - four, five, six times a week. And in tandem, I began eating better. No more pizza or soda! No more fast food! More salads and grilled chicken! More water!

It was a lifestyle change.

The positive results were not immediate, but they began to take place. The first real sign was in early September, after school resumed, when a coworker noticed that my face was thinner. Even though school had started in mid-August, I was still hitting the gym, but the visits began to dwindle to 2-3 per week. Still, I went from 254 pounds on July 22, 2007, to 240 pounds on September 24, to 229 pounds on November 22.

And then it fell apart. I got lazy. I ate too much (damn holiday season!). I stopped going to the gym on a regular basis. And then, in July 2008, I stopped going altogether.

Well, it's a year later. I have ballooned to 260 pounds as of July 5, and due to a number of factors - three weddings to attend in August and September, paying for a gym membership going to waste (but not to waist, lol), serious interest in a specific member of the female population, and - most importantly - my health and my future - I have made my way back to the world of LA Fitness, with the intent of getting in shape, losing weight, fitting into my suits, leading a healthier lifestyle, and being in the low 200s/high 190s by August 2010. (An average of one pound a week is realistic.)

So far, so good. As of this afternoon, I'm down to 254 pounds.