vacation had taken me to Florida - the land of spring breaks, surf and tan lines. And, as I quickly discovered, of billboard wars.
Now, the Battle of the Boards was not in and of itself a surprise. The Sunshine State is a battleground for the travel dollar.
But in this case, it was like watching a boxing match unfold. Two businesses - at face value, quite different - fought sign for sign, blink for blink.
You could almost hear the announcer, standing in the center of the ring, a 10-foot stogie sticking out of the corner of his mouth, a heavy Boston accent filtering through his words.
"In this corner, wearing the red trunks, the defending Florida tourist champion, from Orlando, Walt Disney World!"
The crowd goes wild. Kids scream. "Daddy, daddy! I wanna go to Disney World! I wanna see Mickey! I wanna do Space Mountain! I wanna ..."
The announcer continues.
"And in this corner, champion of the male hormone drive, wearing a lot less than the other fighter, from Gainesville, The Cafe Risque!"
The men go wild. They shout such ingenious and creative phrases as, "TAKE IT ALL OFF!"
Let the match begin.
Everywhere on the southbound interstate, these two giants beg and plead for attention. Well, this might not be accurate. It's more like, they flex their muscles and command attention.
Mickey's crew does it more subtly than the Cafe. Large eyes stare at you from the bottom of the billboard, the Mouse King's oversize black ears standing out against a sea of yellow. They are, indeed, the 1990s rendition of "Kilroy Was Here" signs.
Dizzy World is more subtle because, let's face it: the Magic Kingdom has been around a long time. It has the groundwork already laid out. We grew up with Mickey and Pluto, Annette and Cubby, Herbie the Love Bug and 101 Dalmatians.
Because of this track record of pandering to the child at heart, Uncle Walter's dynasty creates fantasies.
Dizzy World is acre upon acre of fantasy, grabbing the soul of our youth and taking us away from the everyday pain and pressure we face.
While Mickey caters to the youth movement, the Cafe gratifies the older generations. In particular, the male portion.
It is the Cafe's larger-than-life advertisements which grab your attention like a comet streaking across the sky. The classic cheesecake blonde, barely dressed, framed by hot pink and lime-green neon, with huge letters screaming, "WE DARE TO BARE ... ALL!"
And not just once or twice. No way. The Cafe has billboards up every half-mile, or so it seems. All heavy on the cleavage. All with the same underlying message.
Located near the University of Florida, located about two hours north of Tampa, the Cafe is open 24 hours and offers a complete menu. You can read whatever you want into that.
The more "righteous" might find it ironic and immoral that these two businesses can be compared so callously. Ironically, both are mentioned in the most recent edition of Playboy - Disney World for being so conservative, it air-brushed cleavage out of a promotional ad; the Cafe, for being ... well, the way it is.
But the truth is, both Mickey and Blondie ultimately use the same tools to sell their wares - fantasies. Even if Annette did her dancing fully clothed.
In this billboard war, both sides are winner.
This article originally appeared in The Ogemaw County Herald.
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