Jolly Old St. Nick Has Had A Shady Past

He starred in such holiday specials as The Year Without a Santa Claus and Santa Claus is Coming to Town. In Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer, he played a supporting role.

Santa Claus didn't do too badly for a guy who never took acting lessons.

The notion of Santa being a "cool" dude is disputable. Adults brought up children to believe he was "above the law."

They pointed out his mode of world travel. Look at the perks he obtained from the FAA.

His own flight crew. Unrestricted use of air space. A lot of frequent flyer points. Unlimited travel time. And he began flying before the Wright Brothers invented the airplane.

Then there was his wardrobe.

Did you ever notice his attire? His belt and boots are black patent-leather. Certainly not affordable on his salary.

His red velvet jacket, featured only in the finest men's stores.

Maybe he charged it all on his credit cards.

But Santa's image has been tarnished because of recent discoveries about his past. Santa got away with corrupt activities.

Look at the record:

• Trespassing. Breaking and Entering. He would enter houses illegally (under cover of darkness), drink milk, eat cookies, ransack the place, and leave a secret clue under the tree.Not a very nice thing to do.
  
• Cruelty to Animals. How can anyone explain his forcing eight or nine (depending on the fog level) innocent reindeer to pull a heavy sleigh for 24 hours straight? The only place they could stop and eat overnight was at a Denny's, and there are some areas (hint! hint!) without said restaurant.As incredible as it may seem, the animal rights activists have yet to chastise Mr. Claus for his use of animal labor.
  
• Illegal Drug and Narcotic Use. Obviously, the Reagan "Just Say No" policy doesn't work on the guy. Claus and Manuel Noriega must be dealing something together; this explains how the reindeer fly.Magic dust.
  
• Tax Evasion. He hasn't even filed a 1040 tax form in the past 500 years. He refuses to acknowledge earning any money.I'm sure he's worried about prosecution, too. With "Club Marcos" heading to New York for similar charges, Santa Claus had better contact a good lawyer.

Yes, Mr. Claus is in pretty deep doo-doo. The word is he's trying to improve his public image. You see, while out on the street these days, he's collecting funds for needy charitable organizations.

But, given his past record, there are some suspicions.

The most prominent theory about Claus is he's skimming funds from the pot and transferring these monies illegally into his own pocket.

Even worse, it's not just him. The Santa Mafia, so it's labeled, is begging for spare nickels, dimes, quarters - even dollar bills.

Last weekend, five of the Santas were arrested and lined up in a Detroit police station. They had been soliciting in front of the same dime store. In order to rack in more money from unsuspecting citizens, the Santas all claimed to be of different ethnic origin. Among those arrested:

Mohammed Claus. The money was to be wired to Iran to purchase "G.I. Joe" weapons, an authentic replica of the Ollie North paper shredder and a box filled with copies of the "1989 Fawn Hall Pin-Up Calendar."

Stalin Claus. Representing the "Communists for a Decent Society" organization, the money was to be used for electing Gus Hall to the presidency.

Santi Clausi. Supposedly the "Number 2" man under Santa, he was using slush funds to purchase bottles of champagne for minors attending Central Michigan University. The champagne was to be used at New Year's Eve parties.

Panda Claus. The goal of this man was to saturate the entire American zoo population with giant pandas, thereby gaining power and clout with panda breeders.

Satan Claus. The fifth - some say, most evil - of the gang, his name comes from transposing letters in the name Santa. He wanted to remove Bloom County from the newspaper and replace the strip with old copies of Prince Valiant.

All were released on $10,000 bond.

So, enjoy your holiday shopping. Try to keep it within your budget. And watch out for False Santas. And the real one.

It's the holiday season, and he's back with a vengeance.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.