Detroit Lions Need New Coach

With my tenure at Central Michigan coming to a close, some friends of mine suggested I consider job hunting.

Now, this was a novel idea. Employment. Paychecks. BMWs. Cellular phones.

No class scheduling.

I headed down to the Placement Center to check out the companies doing on-campus interviews. Carefully scanning the list, I quickly surmised no one wants me.

Nothing new here.

So I began to think - which is always a terrifying event. Getting me to use my brain is like asking Mike Tyson to spar with Robin Givens for a couple of rounds, or telling Bryant Gumbel his suits don't fit.

Deciding to ignore the warning lights, and with smoke permeating the surrounding air, my brain began to work. I thought long and hard. I thought short and not-so-hard. I thought about this, that and the other. Finally, I came up with a great thought.

Head coach of the Detroit Lions.

Well, OK. Maybe not a great thought. Maybe not even a valid thought. But, you know.

What the heck?

I look at it this way. Come December, the Lions will be looking for a new coach.

I have the qualities needed to be that coach.

I realize this isn't saying much. My dead dog could coach the Lions. A blade of Astroturf could coach the Lions. Lee Iacocca could probably coach the Lions and have more success than the bland, dull, and thoroughly unexciting Mr. Rogers does.

But I want the job. I have no pride.

I have been an avid follower of the Lions, and their minor-league affiliate, for eons. And, in that time, I have learned enough about the system they run to handle the job.

First, a new nickname. "Lions" just doesn't scare other teams. Let's update it.

The Detroit Pit Bulls sounds good.

I wrote William Clay Ford just last month, suggesting a few nifty trick plays they might consider using. Sure enough, the Lions tried one, and it worked.

Here's the situation: Fourth down, 18 yards to go, the ball is on your own 12-yard line. Up by two points, it's late in the third quarter. New Orleans is your opponent.

What do you do?

If you're any other team, you punt the football. But the Lions have a standard to uphold. Tradition. The football is snapped to Jim Arnold, the Lions punter, who tries to pass.

If the play works, I'm considered for a Rhodes Scholar award.

Then again. I ain't Einstein. The play self-destructs. The Lions lose.

This is just a sample of my potential. No other team would dare try such a stunning and unexplainable move.

But there's more.

I have mastered the Lions' playbook. I know how to run the team. With courage. With flair.

With an aluminum fist.

This is the way I would run the offense:

FIRST DOWN: Run to the left. Gain a yard (two, if we're lucky). Fumble?

SECOND DOWN: Run up the middle. Maybe gain another yard. Penalty flags?

THIRD DOWN: Pass. Go ahead, heave that sucker downfield. There are a few possibilities here - (a) incomplete, because it was either much too short or too much Chuck Long; (b) intercepted; (c) a quarterback sack; (d) dropped by the receiver; or (e) offensive pass interference. I'd bet on the sack. After all, this is "professional" football.

Did someone say "completion"? What is this, a fantasy? Are you crazy?

FOURTH DOWN: Punt. Unless playing New Orleans.

Of course, Chuck Long is injured right now. So is his original backup, Eric Hipple. We go to one of the two more recent replacements.

First, there's Rusty Hilger, who came to Detroit from Los Angeles. I think we got him in exchange for Kirk Gibson. After watching him play (ouch!), I know why they call him Rusty.

The other is John Witkowski, who played three games for the Lions in 1984. He is an alumnus of the Lions' minor-league affiliate, the Columbia Lions. That's the team which lost 44 straight football games, only to succumb to victory against Princeton two weeks ago.

Ironic Strange. Scary.

Speaking of college football, there's the draft. I suggest the Lions use their first-round draft choice wisely.

Pick Notre Dame - the entire team. That ought to be worth a few wins here and there.

Then again, these are the Lions.

Now, I realize picking on the Lions is not a tough thing to do. Let's face it - when you've been as awful as the Lions have for so long, "Open Lions Season" is just a way of life. I'm not the first to take easy pot-shots. At this rate, I won't be the last.

But I do it anyway.

It isn't hard to rationalize this, when even Jim Arnold realizes this. He's the guy who went out for "Amateur Night" at a Detroit-area comedy club (no, not the Dome), and wowed the crowd.

Here's a sample of his routine:

"Hi, I'm Jim Arnold. I punt for the Lions.

(Pregnant pause.)

A lot."

So, think I can do the job? I do.

So, I plan. I mail out resumes, waiting for the phone call that leads me to the Silverdome.

Who knows? At the rate the season's heading, they may need another quarterback, instead.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.