No One Is Protected From Drunk Driving

Welcome to Western Weekend.

Kalamazoo will be swarmed with thousands of Chippewa fans all "tooling" their vehicles to the city Elvis calls home and Glenn Miller sang about "the sweetest girl" he ever knew.

While cruising the highways (yes, M-20 counts as one), and K'zoo metroplex this weekend, a lot of Chippewas will be indulging in pleasures of the bottle.

Alcohol.

Beer. Booze. Slammers. Shots.

And, undoubtedly, there will be war stories told over and over again during the next few years - macho tales of drinking the keg in one take, and the hangover that lasted until Thanksgiving.
Some of these "brains" will have the audacity to cruise the streets while, or after, cannonballing another 12-ounce curl.

These are the same lameheads who laugh at such well-intended and meaningful programs as National Collegiate Alcohol Awareness Week and PRIDE's Red Ribbon day.

There's two sets of rules we play by when it comes to alcohol.

And I'm tired of the double standard.

We same the same rhetoric over and over again, from our alcohol awareness messengers. From MADD. From SADD. From physicians and medical professionals across the world.

Alcohol kills.

Alcohol impairs.

Alcohol alters the mind.

Yes, we hear this. We see this. The message is drilled at us constantly.

Problem is, we don't learn this. We've become immune from the truth.

And we're all to blame.. You and I.

We condone alcohol abuse by putting up with Spuds, Alex and our other cozy, cute friends on the video screen.

We accept the sports advertising blitz from Miller, Anheuser-Busch and the rest of the brewing entourage.

We offer drinks to our friends the moment they walk through the door.

We let ourselves buy "just one more" because we can handle it. C'mon, we're college students. It's the other guy who's a lightweight. Let's do another bong. We've got all night.

And it's a lie. A charade.

The ACLU is opposed to checkpoints on Michigan roadways. The proposed purpose of these checkpoints is to stop cars at random to see if the driver of passengers are drunk. The intent is, of course, to keep the roads as safe as possible.

Well, the ACLU says this is a violation of our civil rights, that these rights would be infringed upon.
Uh-huh. Tell the families of any victim in a drunk-related accident it was his or her civil right to die because a drunk driver ran a red light at 80 miles an hour, oblivious to reality.

Funny how civil rights can sometimes be the opposite of logic.

When you read or hear from the media about a drunk-related accident or situation, it often involves someone in the public spotlight - like an athlete. Which leads to another double standard.

Do we expect too much out of our sports stars and other public figures? We celebrate the talents of a Bob Probert, a Petr Klima, a Bruce Kimball. And if they do something stupid, like drinking and driving, well - hey! - they're famous.

Well, let me say this about that. It's donkey dung and it's a weak alibi. Why is it OK for one of them to avoid punishment if you can't? No one is above the law. Athlete of not, famous or not, whether you've had one, two or three too many is beside the point. male or female, black or white, it's all the same.

Drunk is drunk.

And breathalyzers have no bias, no sexual preference.

the saddest, most heart-wrenching detail of this whole masquerade is drinking and driving is all too common in this nation. If it weren't, acronyms such as MADD and SADD wouldn't exist. The awareness factor is a start, though. Give it a couple of years, and we'll be dealing with the next phase of the "we-won't-take-this-crap-anymore" attitude - currently the battle cry of the non-smoker.

What can we do in the meantime? I wish I knew the answers. But I have a few gut feelings I'd like you to consider.

First, STOP accepting that athletes and other famous individuals are above the law, that they're allowed to drink simply on the basis of a household name.

Second, REALIZE there's a limit. Don't assume a friend will watch over you constantly. Most people don't accept that they're drunk when, in fact, they are.

Third, THINK. Odds are, when you're leaving a party or bar with a few under the belt, there will be at least one drunk in the vicinity. A drunk behind the wheel is just as deadly as a drunk staggering across an intersection, weaving through oncoming traffic.

Finally, LEARN that - as much as you may wish - alcohol-related accidents don't always happen to the "other guy." They can happen to anyone, anywhere. even to you. And you don't have to be the one who was drinking.

That's the sober truth.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.

Detroit Lions Need New Coach

With my tenure at Central Michigan coming to a close, some friends of mine suggested I consider job hunting.

Now, this was a novel idea. Employment. Paychecks. BMWs. Cellular phones.

No class scheduling.

I headed down to the Placement Center to check out the companies doing on-campus interviews. Carefully scanning the list, I quickly surmised no one wants me.

Nothing new here.

So I began to think - which is always a terrifying event. Getting me to use my brain is like asking Mike Tyson to spar with Robin Givens for a couple of rounds, or telling Bryant Gumbel his suits don't fit.

Deciding to ignore the warning lights, and with smoke permeating the surrounding air, my brain began to work. I thought long and hard. I thought short and not-so-hard. I thought about this, that and the other. Finally, I came up with a great thought.

Head coach of the Detroit Lions.

Well, OK. Maybe not a great thought. Maybe not even a valid thought. But, you know.

What the heck?

I look at it this way. Come December, the Lions will be looking for a new coach.

I have the qualities needed to be that coach.

I realize this isn't saying much. My dead dog could coach the Lions. A blade of Astroturf could coach the Lions. Lee Iacocca could probably coach the Lions and have more success than the bland, dull, and thoroughly unexciting Mr. Rogers does.

But I want the job. I have no pride.

I have been an avid follower of the Lions, and their minor-league affiliate, for eons. And, in that time, I have learned enough about the system they run to handle the job.

First, a new nickname. "Lions" just doesn't scare other teams. Let's update it.

The Detroit Pit Bulls sounds good.

I wrote William Clay Ford just last month, suggesting a few nifty trick plays they might consider using. Sure enough, the Lions tried one, and it worked.

Here's the situation: Fourth down, 18 yards to go, the ball is on your own 12-yard line. Up by two points, it's late in the third quarter. New Orleans is your opponent.

What do you do?

If you're any other team, you punt the football. But the Lions have a standard to uphold. Tradition. The football is snapped to Jim Arnold, the Lions punter, who tries to pass.

If the play works, I'm considered for a Rhodes Scholar award.

Then again. I ain't Einstein. The play self-destructs. The Lions lose.

This is just a sample of my potential. No other team would dare try such a stunning and unexplainable move.

But there's more.

I have mastered the Lions' playbook. I know how to run the team. With courage. With flair.

With an aluminum fist.

This is the way I would run the offense:

FIRST DOWN: Run to the left. Gain a yard (two, if we're lucky). Fumble?

SECOND DOWN: Run up the middle. Maybe gain another yard. Penalty flags?

THIRD DOWN: Pass. Go ahead, heave that sucker downfield. There are a few possibilities here - (a) incomplete, because it was either much too short or too much Chuck Long; (b) intercepted; (c) a quarterback sack; (d) dropped by the receiver; or (e) offensive pass interference. I'd bet on the sack. After all, this is "professional" football.

Did someone say "completion"? What is this, a fantasy? Are you crazy?

FOURTH DOWN: Punt. Unless playing New Orleans.

Of course, Chuck Long is injured right now. So is his original backup, Eric Hipple. We go to one of the two more recent replacements.

First, there's Rusty Hilger, who came to Detroit from Los Angeles. I think we got him in exchange for Kirk Gibson. After watching him play (ouch!), I know why they call him Rusty.

The other is John Witkowski, who played three games for the Lions in 1984. He is an alumnus of the Lions' minor-league affiliate, the Columbia Lions. That's the team which lost 44 straight football games, only to succumb to victory against Princeton two weeks ago.

Ironic Strange. Scary.

Speaking of college football, there's the draft. I suggest the Lions use their first-round draft choice wisely.

Pick Notre Dame - the entire team. That ought to be worth a few wins here and there.

Then again, these are the Lions.

Now, I realize picking on the Lions is not a tough thing to do. Let's face it - when you've been as awful as the Lions have for so long, "Open Lions Season" is just a way of life. I'm not the first to take easy pot-shots. At this rate, I won't be the last.

But I do it anyway.

It isn't hard to rationalize this, when even Jim Arnold realizes this. He's the guy who went out for "Amateur Night" at a Detroit-area comedy club (no, not the Dome), and wowed the crowd.

Here's a sample of his routine:

"Hi, I'm Jim Arnold. I punt for the Lions.

(Pregnant pause.)

A lot."

So, think I can do the job? I do.

So, I plan. I mail out resumes, waiting for the phone call that leads me to the Silverdome.

Who knows? At the rate the season's heading, they may need another quarterback, instead.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.

Writer Resents Group Imposing Its Morals

The world today scares me.

I'm not talking about nuclear war, abortion or apartheid. I'm not paranoid about Mid-east tensions, the IRA, or even Bush and Quayle vs. Dukakis and Bentsen.

None of this can compare to insensitive clods who impose their morals on me against my will.
The so-called "religious right" is after my mind. And I don't like their attitude.

The worst thing someone can do is get me on a tangent on which I have a strong opinion. And when some group tries to shove its philosophies down my throat with a Ginsu, I fight back.

The group that chose to "save me from false prophets" is called "Freedom Village USA." It sent me a pamphlet to fill me in on false cults, teachings, religious doctrine and theologies. In particular, it wanted to save me from the evils of Satanic Rock.

Yeah, Dream on, guys.

Satan, according to these watchdogs, is busy helping musicians such as Pat Benatar, Jackson Browne, John Denver, Kris Kristofferson, Tina Turner and Stevie Wonder write lyrics which are dooming them to hell. (To be fair, they also mention some not-so-saccharinated bands, such as Motley Crue, AC/DC and Twisted Sister.)

When I began to read the 12-page list of rockers, I thought it was a joke. I mean, yes, I suppose Black Sabbath gets its kicks out of mimicking an occult ritual. But it sickens me that so many people are willing to be led by "moral" groups who use words taken merely at face value, and nothing more.

Many of the "evils" mentioned have to do with beliefs not popular with the Catholic Church - views on the occult, homosexuality, oral sex, masturbation, drugs, etc. However, there are some topics on which Freedom Village is doing nothing more than trying to set up a smoke screen.

FREEDOM VILLAGE'S SAMPLE #1: Benatar's album Crimes of Passion includes the song "Hell is for Children." That's not what I want to teach my children.

GABA RESPONSE #1: If you listen to the lyrics, "Hell is for Children" is a song about the horrors of child abuse.

FREEDOM VILLAGE SAMPLE #2: Billy Joel's song, "Only The Good Die Young" remorses over Catholic girls staying virgins so long. He adds, "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than die with the saints, the sinners have much more fun."

GABA RESPONSE #2: Joel's "sinners/saints" line is a view on what society has dictated is moral and correct. It's strange "society" cannot define what is immoral or indecent without using terms that might be seen as such.

FREEDOM VILLAGE SAMPLE #3: Pink Floyd's "Another Brick In The Wall" says, "We don't need no education ... hey, teacher, leave us kids alone."

GABA RESPONSE #3: The anti-establishment theme stems from the civil rights movement and the Vietnam "dove" response to Washington in the 1960s. The leaders ain't always right.

FREEDOM VILLAGE SAMPLE #4: Ozzy Osbourne has an album called The Ultimate Sin. He was compelled to see The Exorcist 26 times.

GABA RESPONSE #4: The "Ultimate Sin" is, I understand, a nuclear holocaust. And The Exorcist had lots of great special effects.

I wish I had the ability to present all of the things these so-called "moralists" are imposing on you and me. Groups such as these - including the Tipper Gore-led PMRC, which (if you recall) held hearings on rock lyrics and album cover designs - are just out to make a name using red-scare tactics.

I asked this two weeks ago; I'll ask it again. Who is responsible here? The bands? The record companies? The radio music directors?

Or is it the parents who should tell their children what values are- what is good or bad?

Using rock music as an excuse for their children's "demise in moral integrity" is the most blatant cop-out I've ever seen.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.