Columnist Proposes His Own Homecoming King Platform

(Editor's Note: Paul hopes no one takes this column seriously.)

Elections for this year's Homecoming Court are today and tomorrow, and there are a lot of qualified candidates on the ballot. Each of them have their own identities, strengths, and positive attributes. Each are well-knowledged regarding the campus of Central Michigan, and all of the candidates deserve the recognition and support that they have achieved with this honor.

But there seems to be something missing.

A write-in candidate. For example, me.

Now, I know a lot of you are thinking, "Gosh, I never really considered Gaba as a viable candidate for Homecoming King." Come to think of it, I never really considered myself a candidate for anything. With the exception of, perhaps, "Most Obnoxious Room Brother."

Before this, the only thing I've ever run for is my life.

But my party has called, and guess who picked up the phone?

Let me make one thing perfectly clear. As a member of the Only Party That Matters (an offshoot of the Weekend Party and the Original Party), I have weighed the options carefully.

After my campaign manager (who wishes to remain anonymous, for some reason) and I discussed the ramifications of winning, and after checking my calendar, I have decided that since I'm not doing anything October 15 anyway, I may as well run.

"Who is this Gaba person?" you may ask. (Go ahead, ask. This is America - Land of the free, Home of the Rich.)

"What are his views on the important issues that affect me?" (Ask away. I've got plenty of time.)

"Am I desperate enough to vote for this guy?" (Keep 'em coming.)

Well, since you're asking all of these questions, I have some space to answer them.

First, some background info. I was born and raised in Iowa - well, sort of. I was born in Iowa, but before I was old enough to pick the corn, my parents dragged me to Michigan against my will. So I grew up in Bloomfield Hills, a suburb of Hamtramck.

In high school, I was the founder of the TV Watching Club. We'd go to shopping malls and stare into appliance shops all afternoon. I believe the law of gravity is unconstitutional, and pro football should have the two-point conversion.

Now that you know a (very) little about me, I present the OFFICIAL 1988 GABA HOMECOMING KING PLATFORM.

NUCLEAR WEAPONS: I cannot tolerate the stocking of nuclear weapons for use against the Soviets. In fact, I think all nuclear weapons should be destroyed. We can do this over Western Michigan University, whenever we're ready.

THE DEFICIT: The budget woes we have encountered can no longer be ignored. (Note that not one of my opponents will discuss this important issue.) After balancing my checkbook, I propose tuition be rolled back to $10 a credit hour, room-and-board be cut to $500 a semester, and pizza discount cards be given to all students. The fact that I will have no authority to make these changes occur has absolutely nothing to do with my outline for the next fiscal year.

GREEKS: Our president, Edward B. Jakubauskas, is greek, One of my best friends is Greek. Mike Dukakis is Greek. I used to be Greek. It's all ... you know.

RANDEE OF THE REDWOODS: An awesome dude, man. Like, hip. Groovy. Cool. Fab. Dig it, man.

NICARAGUA/CONTRAS: Hey, I didn't fail Spanish so that Ronny could send me south of the border. Let's stop sending the contras money, arms, etc., and give them taht stupid snowflake-looking thing by the new industrial engineering and technology building, instead.

DRUG TESTING: I think drug testing is an interesting concept. Sure, go ahead. I'll test them all. So long as I don't have to pay anything. Or get arrested.

TOILET PAPER THROWING: I said this back in January and I'll say it again. Since we can't throw TP at the basketball games, let's throw ping-pong balls or nerf balls instead.

DOMED STADIUMS: After talking with Tom Monaghan and Detroit Mayor Coleman Young, I think I've come up with a solution. A dome in the shape of a pepperoni pizza (albeit, a large one) for Kelly/Shorts Stadium. And another for Theunissen Stadium. That's right - Domed Doubles, delivered in 30 minutes or less!

That's just the start of my platform. I could go on forever (as those of you who know me have learned), but space won't let me.

If I were elected Homecoming King, I would do everything in my power to make CMU a better place to live.

My graduation in December could be, in some eyes, one of these steps.

This article originally appeared in Central Michigan Life.