Stupidity In Sports

WHAT: A sports-oriented talk radio station.

WHEN: Anytime during the past 12 months - not that it really matters.

WHERE: Anywhere in sports-minded America ...

(Theme music comes to an end. Cue host, and:)

PAUL GABA: Hell, and welcome to Sports Forum, with a look at what's going through the minds of listeners and athletes alike. I'm your host, Paul Gaba, and today we're discussing the topic of "Stupidity in Sports" with out guest, former major-league star Bucks Malone. Welcome to the show, Bucks.

BUCKS MALONE: Thanks, Paul, it's always a pleasure to be here.

GABA: "Stupidity in Sports" covers a wide variety of areas. It can be used to discuss the fans who paid $12 for a Willie Mays autograph at a card show over Thanksgiving, which was the case this past weekend in Detroit.

It can relate to the case of Dexter Manley, who was given the heave-ho out of the NFL last week for violating the league's drug policy.

It can be used in accordance with Pete Rose, who hocked baseball bats and other pieces of equipment on television the same day he was kicked out of baseball. Or the Ben Johnson steroid situation. Or the Steve Garvey "two kids, two women, marry a third" syndrome. Or the media overkill on the Wade Boggs-Margo Adams scenario. Am I on the right track?

BUCKS: You hit the nail right on the head, Paul. Take the Manley situation, for example.

Here's a guy who violated football's drug policy three times! Can you believe it? If you, or I, or anyone out there right now were caught doing drugs, would we get a third chance at redemption? I doubt it.

For most of us, if we got caught doing illegal substances, we probably wouldn't get a second chance. And you'd think after the Len Bias situation a few years back, people would get the message. He didn't get a second chance. He blew it the first time, and it cost him his life. But obviously the impact hasn't set in.

Three chances. God, I can't comprehend it at all.

GABA: But couldn't it be said that the NFL and the Washington Redskins are just as stupid, in this situation, as Manley? I mean, obviously they knew he had a problem, but they let him go on playing. And when he got caught for the third time, well, then he's let go.

BUCKS: This is true, Paul. Even as stupid as Manley, or anyone like him - Bob Probert and Roy Tarpley are two recent cases - are apt to be, it's hard to blame them completely. Their stupidity was tolerated by higher levels. And this is what really boggles my mind. No one wants to take responsibility for a situation gone bad. No one wants to crack down on a dangerous situation.

GABA: We're going to the phone lines now. Hello, you're on Sports Forum.

CALLER 1: Yeah, I have a question. With all these athletes doing drugs, do you think the "Just Say No" thing is working?

BUCKS: That's an interesting question. Personally, I think the "Just Say No" campaign is limited in what it can do. It's mostly a system of information for kids.

GABA: I have to agree with you to a point, Bucks.

A lot of kids are being told, "Drugs are bad. Drugs kill. Don't do drugs." And, in terms of information, it works. People are certainly more aware of what drugs can do. But it's hard to battle peer pressure, even if one of the kids' sports idols takes a fall - like, for example, Manley or Probert.

But you also have to remember, the number of athletes associated with drugs is in a state of hype, too. Not all athletes take illegal drugs, and many who used to have battled back from drug dependency. Dave Parker and Willie Wilson, just to name a few.

We have another caller. Talk to me.

CALLER 2: Hi, Paul. This is Mark, I'm a first-time caller.

GABA: Well, welcome to the Sports Forum family.

CALLER 2: Thanks, Paul. Listen, what about alcohol? It's a drug, and you always hear athletes complain when beer and that sort of stuff is not allowed in the locker room.

GABA: Good point, Mark. As a matter of fact, alcohol is the biggest-selling drug in the world, And, once again, you're hitting on a prime subject.

BUCKS: But the difference between alcohol and other drugs often mentioned - cocaine and steroids are the biggest - is that alcohol is legal. And because it's legal, the crackdown is not as harsh.

GABA: This is true.

BUCKS: It's hard to swallow something of the magnitude of a Bruce Kimball, or a Reggie Rogers, or the late Pelle Lindbergh - the former Philadelphia Flyers goalie who was intoxicated when he crashed his car into a tree.

Driving drunk is stupid. I doubt you'll find anyone who says the opposite.

GABA: And yet, drinking and driving seems to be tolerated when it comes to the sports world - as long as no one is injured or killed.

Scott Skiles is still revered in his home state of Indiana, despite a drunk driving conviction. John Langeloh is still playing for Michigan State, despite his recent woes. Petr Klima and Probert - there's that name again - were allowed to play against Edmonton when the Red Wings were trying for a Stanley Cup berth, even though they had been out drinking past curfew the night before. The double standard goes on forever, and I doubt it will change.

BUCKS: It won't change, at least not while the average American tolerates it.

And the alcohol-athlete connection will be tolerated as long as the major breweries continue to have a stranglehold on sports television broadcasts. And on sports in general.

You know what's really sad? I'm no longer amazed by the amount of alcohol advertising that goes on during a sportscast. It's advanced to the point that announcers will salute a home run, touchdown or goal with an alcoholic salute. It's rather depressing.

GABA: I know what you mean. We only have time for one more caller. Hello, you're on.

CALLER 3: Yeah, I want to touch on something you mentioned earlier. I don't see anything stupid about paying money to get an autograph. We pay to watch the guys play, why not to talk to them, or get an autograph?

BUCKS: Hey it's your money. Stupidity has no price level.

GABA: I'm afraid that's all the time we have today on Sports Forum, but we'll be back soon with another edition.

(Closing theme music.)

This article originally appeared in The Marshall Chronicle.

Sacred Cows And The Swap Shop

It's time to wake up and smell the coffee, America.

No one is sacred in sports anymore.

The late-80s trend of mega-deals continued last week when the Red Wings received Jimmy Carson and Kevin McClelland from Edmonton for former Michigan State star Joe Murphy, Petr Klima, Jeff Sharples and Adam Graves.

The deal, which helped Detroit by giving center Steve Yzerman another hot stick-handler in Carson, came on the heels of the Minnesota Vikings-Dallas Cowboys trade which make Hershel Walker a Nordic.

Which, of course, followed two large summer swaps in major league baseball - the Mark Langston deal (Seattle and Montreal) and the Frank Viola deal (New York Mets and Minnesota).

And this latest trade comes 15 months after Edmonton's Wayne Gretzky was sent packing to Los Angeles for a ton of cash and Carson ... who, of course, is no longer with the Oilers.

Got it so far? Good. I hope I'm not going too fast.

All of this leads me to one conclusion: No one is sacred in sports anymore.

It used to be this wasn't the case. Before this wave of 5-for-1's and 6-for-2's (which, by the way, actually started with the Indianapolis-Los Angeles rams Eric Dickerson deal several years ago), star players had pretty secure jobs.

No one ever contended that Al Kaline or Ernie Banks were for sale at the height of their careers.

No trade rumors ever circulated around the names of Sandy Koufax or Walter Payton.

No mondo-swaps afflicted the Brooklyn Dodgers, St. Louis Browns or Chicago Cardinals.

The truth is, nowadays even the top dog is trade bait.

Alan Trammell. Ryne Sandberg. Isiah Thomas, Magic Johnson. And on, and on, and on.

None are sacred. None are exempt.

And that, my friends, is what scares me about Sports In The 90s the most.

I long for the days when I could look at a team roster and pick 10 or 12 players and say, "Yeah, those guys will be here five years from now."

But I can't.

Look, for example, at the 1984 Tigers. A team of destiny, they were called.

Who remains?

Trammell. Lou Whitaker. Jack Morris. Willie/Guillermo Hernandez (even he's not totally there, hence the name change). Chet Lemon.

Five years, five players.

No one is sacred. At all.

This article originally appeared in The Marshall Chronicle.

The End of the Innocence

It was a year ago Saturday. The incredibly long, hot, rainless summer was reaching its peak.

It was a moment that changed my life.

My dad, Leonard, died.

Dad was a wealth of knowledge to everyone who met him. He was an osteopathic physician who took pride in what he was doing, the consummate professional both in and out of the office.

He was a worldly man, one who knew a lot about situations in far-away political hotbeds like El Salvador, Nicaragua, the Philippines and the Middle East. Much of my political upbringing and information came from him, but he would always make me go and dig up the complete story.

Dad wanted me to learn as much as possible. But he wanted me to do the research. If I was truly interested in the topic, he reasoned, I would want to find it on my own. Of course, he was right.

The mourning is over now. Life, so they say, goes on. And I no longer try to rationalize a situation which cannot be rationalized. But his life - and, ultimately, death - made a major impact on me, one which I cannot celebrate completely because he is not here to see my achievements.

One of the things that differed between me and my dad was sports. I was a sports junkie, waking up early to find the morning newspaper, eagerly digging through the sports section for stories, statistics, box scores, features and whatever else I could get my hands on. I lived, breathed and ate a continual sports diet.

I would take the stats for the Tigers, dissect them into a million different modes and try to figure out meaningless items, like why Ron LeFlore was hitting .316 with runners in scoring position and one out.

Dad, on the other hand, was much less sports-minded. Unlike the stereotype which followed his profession, he did not play golf. He enjoyed watching sporting events, usually live, but never really got all bent out of shape if a player had an off-day. Among other things, he couldn't understand why professional athletes got paid the way they did.

While I have no answer to his question, I can appreciate his thoughts. It comes down to priorities.

As I have grown older, I have learned not to take sports as seriously as I used to. Sports, as entertainment, are not a live-and-die nature. Let's face it: If it comes down to Alan Trammell blasting a 1-2 pitch to Neptune to defeat the Red Sox, or the threat of a nuclear warhead being dropped on my house within the next 10 minutes, which is more important?

But Dad liked watching sports on occasion, especially when one of his kids was on the field. My brother, Charles, was involved in a youth soccer program for several years, and my sister, Miriam, took up gymnastics for a while.

For six years, I played Little League baseball, and - despite his hectic schedule - Dad would come to almost every game to watch me play.

I'm the first to admit I wasn't the next Ted Williams when it came to swinging a bat - I think I had around 15 career hits in those six seasons - but there he was, on the foul line, home or away, sitting in his lounge chair next to my mom, Adele, and talking with the other parents.

Dad never forced me to become a .400 hitter. He didn't stay up until all hours of the morning, trying to improve my swing. He never imposed that I play baseball. He knew it was something I liked to do, regardless of how I did, and stood by me all the time - no matter how I played.

And I appreciate that, probably more now than I did then.

When I was growing up, our family would head down to Tiger Stadium once or twice a year to catch a game. Dad would pack us up in the station wagon and we'd head south on I-75 to the corner of Michigan and Trumbull to catch some summertime action.

These were the days the Tigers couldn't buy a win, when the lineup included names like Duke Sims, Tom Veryzer, Ben Oglivie and Joe Coleman. Steve Kemp was still in the minors, and Ralph Houk was the manager.

We'd usually catch a Saturday afternoon game. For some reason, it always seemed like it was against Milwaukee or California. I'd always ask Dad to buy me a program when we entered the stadium, so I could keep track of the scoring line. He would, and I was happy.

It was a time of innocence, I suppose.

But times change, perceptions are altered, as we grow older. I'm still happy when I'm at the ballpark, and I still can't hit worth a lick. So I write instead, with every word, every thought, every paraphrase and quote reminding me just a little more of Dad.

When writing, I live by the motto, "I want to be perfect and get better every day." It's one my dad lived by, and one I want to achieve.

Thanks for the memories, Dad. I'll always love you.

This article originally appeared in The Marshall Chronicle.

Be The Ball, Danny

August has never been one of my favorite months of the year. It's hot. It's long. It's boring. B-O-R-I-N-G. boring.

There are no holidays in August, except, perhaps, National Organic Beansprout Week or something. And a week does not constitute a valid holiday.

Baseball races heat up, but no one - not the '84 Tigers, not the '27 Yanks and most certainly not the '69 Cubs - ever clinched a title in August. Septembers to remember, that's what it's all about.

Pro football has practices and workouts. There are some exhibition games, but I've never been into exhibitionists, Especially male exhibitionists.

Basketball and hockey are on the horizon. But in August, there are often mirages on that same horizon. Kind of hazy. These sports are not factors right now.

Racing - cars or horses - also brings out the yawn in me this time of year. About all that's left is tennis, and who wants to be running around on hot clay in the middle of the summer? Unless you're getting paid a lot, that is.

But hold on a minute. For one of the worst months of the year, August is opening up with a lot of action in Marshall. And you won't find me complaining about that one bit.

There's the Connie Mack baseball regionals going on at the Marshall High School diamond through Sunday.

There's also football conditioning going on at the Redskin football field.

Girls basketball is due to begin tryouts in the next two weeks.

Don't forget about softball. Right now is when the City Recreation leagues are kicking into high gear for that stretch run to fame, fortune and first place.

Local softball is not the only softball going on, though. Saturday is the East-West Class B Senior All-Star softball game, which has Marshall's very own Min Johnston in the lineup.

And there are plenty of golf tournaments, too.

Golf is big in Marshall right now. Every day this month, it seems, there's a tournament going on.

Saturday is the "Dube and Katie Open" at the Alwyn Downs Golf Course. The charity event donates monies to a trust fund for the children of the late Bruce Dubendorf and the family of the late Katie Line.

On the 19th is the annual RedskinOpen, which helps out the Redskin Booster Club and Marshall High School sports.

And Tuesday was, of course, the Marshall Chamber of Commerce golf tournament. I, along with my camera, was on hand for the second leg of the event.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear before telling you my experiences on the greens. Before Tuesday, I had never set foot on a golf course. Oh, I'd done putt-putt a couple hundred times (Gabaverage: 103), but never had I played a hole on real grass. Managers of Detroit-area golf courses and country clubs were much too smart for my own good, constantly pulling out cattle prods and other instruments of deflection to keep me off their property.

But the Marshall Country Club was a different experience altogether. Obviously, i haven't been in town long enough to cause the directors of the MCC worry.

Tournament co-chair Bob Hutchings was the first person I met upon my invasion. He greeted me with a big, cheery smile and suggested I go to the holes at the end of the course, as far away from the clubhouse as possible, to take my pictures.

Maybe he knows too much about my golf style, or lack thereof, I thought. After all, his wife Sue works at the Chronicle.

Nothing like having reliable inside information, I suppose.

He then gave me a key to one of the gas-powered golf carts. I figure he gave me a gas-guzzler instead of an electric one because there were no Ford Pintos on the course for me to rear-end.

I thanked him and headed off to the carts, choosing one with air bags and a sturdy wraparound safety belt. After all, there are some crazy people on the roads, and you have to be careful.

There I ran into a major discovery, which was that a golf cart is not exactly like a car. I looked all over for the ignition. I looked on the dashboard, where two drink holders were. No such luck.

I searched the steering column. Nope.

I got out of the card and looked behind me, where the golf clubs are usually stored. I figured this might be one of those Japanese-built vehicles, where they put the keyhole in some obscure place. Once again, I was wrong.

It was then a passerby noticed my dilemma and suggested the correct answer. The ignition was under the seat. Obviously, this guy was a pro.

So, I ignited the cart, and suddenly I was HELL ON WHEELS.

There I was, cruising along the paths. Hutchings had also mentioned to me to stay off the greens. He said, "Paul, stay off the greens!"

I took the paths which looked used to scurry around to the end of the front nine - as far away (so i was told) from the country club offices as possible. During my travels, I found out a few things about golfing:

Golfers are not too receptive of novices who drive the wrong way on golf courses;

They also frown on people who boogie up to the edge of the green with their cart while in the process of attempting a crucial putt. It's worse if the offending carter (not Jimmie, Nell or Joe) is screaming, "Miss it! Miss it! Psyche!" at the top of his lungs;

An iron is different than a wood. Irons are used to press clothes; woods are for hitting baseballs. Or for hitting golf balls into, which can cause golfers to use language which is not appropriate for newspaper reporting;

Several people yelled "fore" when I was in their vicinity. Those people are the ones with lousy aim; they're supposed to hit the hole, not the guy from the newspaper. Sure glad I had my Nuprin with me;

Don't sing Kenny Loggins' Caddyshack theme, "I'm Alright," when a golfer is trying to make par. Especially within earshot. Especially if you've been blessed with the singing voice I haven't got;

Quoting Caddyshack, however, is a required part of the game. But it has to be the original, not the god-awful sequel;

Golf carts are a lot like go-carts. They sound powerful, move swiftly and can bounce off trees and other moving carts without causing a dent. Or whiplash;

Don't wear plaid slacks with an olive-green shirt. It messes up the scenic view; and

Golfers don't approve of media photographers urging them to "hit one in the bunker, so I can get a good picture."

In any case, when I was finished with the round - much to the relief of the other golfers - Hutchings was waiting for me with open arms. And an insurance policy to fill out.

This guy catches on fast.

This article originally appeared in The Marshall Chronicle.

Pay To Play, And Other Tales

Yo, Marshall! Wake Up! We've got some serious priority problems here, and it's got me going up the wall.

Tuesday, we had a school board meeting at Marshall Middle School, which included the presentation and discussion of how some $400,000 in budget cuts for the 1898-90 school year will be handled. Roughly $123,000 of these cuts is in the form of the K-12 busing for all Marshall students; $24,000 was in cuts of the athletic department. That's a 5:1 ratio (give or take a few thousand duckaroos).

So, why is it that only two concerned citizens opted to speak up at the public forum about the loss of transportation to the entire district while a much larger number voiced their opinions about the proposed loss of swimming, golf and soccer?

Why were so many people outspoken about their kids' performance in athletic activities and seemed to take virtually no notice of how their kids will get to school ... which, it seems to me, should be emphasized just a tad more.

This doesn't mean I'm anti-sports. Not by any length. I think it's wrong that sports have to suffer when the budget faces Paul Bunyan. I know how much it hurts, and I realize that scholarships, competitive spirit and pure fun - not necessarily in that order, either - are affected.

But where are the priorities?

A push to have another millage vote before the school year is under way. If Marshall is really serious about saving its sports programs - and its busing, its Gifted and Talented program, its textbooks, and much, much more - then the citizens have to go beyond merely signing a petition. They have to vote for it, too.

End of this portion of the lecture. Next up ...

This is another brain-provoking idea I had thrust upon me at the board meeting, although I actually considered it a few days before. The meeting merely confirmed it.

I have a hard time believing the board decided - should pay-to-play be instituted - it would cost $50 for high schoolers and $25 at the middle school level. It's not that I like to go around spending other people's money (although, if the opportunity arose, i suppose, I'd struggle through it somehow), but these figures seem absurdly low.

A few weeks ago, I interviewed Bill Desjardins, the athletic director of the Lapeer School District. Lapeer enforced pay-to-play for the 1988-89 year after a millage increase proposal failed - $275 for the high schools, $175 for the junior highs - along with cutting two sports. (One schools' booster club helped out by footing 30 percent of the bill, while the other schools' boosters paid for new equipment.)

Last month, after a year of pay-to-play, the voters of Lapeer approved the millage. Pay-to-play will not exist in Lapeer, and the sports will be back in full swing.

On a more local level, Hastings had a $150 pay-to-play fee instituted when its millage failed. And the athletic department seems to be chugging along at a decent level.

So - why only $50 in Marshall? This figure seems grossly low. If Marshall had wanted to be seen as serious about keeping all teams intact, go for a higher figure.

I think the people of Marshall, given a choice, would gladly pay more for their athletes to participate if that team was still able to perform on the field.

Finally ...

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he were sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to.
- Joseph Heller, Catch-22

I like Rich Hulkow. When he speaks, you can't help but pay attention to what he says. His voice is commanding and his reasoning is sound. I look forward to talking football with him this fall.

But with all this budget-crunching that has happened, it was left up to him to ultimately decide the fate of the Marshall High School sports programs. This is not an enviable position to be in.

At the meeting, several disgusted people spoke out against Hulkow, questioning everything from his authority to make the decisions to his views on the integrity of the Twin Valley Conference to "why us, not not someone else?"

Well, I suppose his status as athletic director would ultimately give him the right - the opportunity - to make those decisions. And I think - I know - Hulkow was thrust into a precarious Catch-22.

Hulkow rationalized the loss of soccer and swimming by saying they are not Twin Valley sports. (Golf is a low-participation sport, he added.)

But the thing which may have been overlooked was while six varsity teams were being vaporized, three freshman teams were still on the slate.

The freshmen can be melded into the junior varsity, as is the case with girls' basketball, softball and, perhaps, volleyball. The competition would be greater, but the varsity sports would remain.

I don't want to start telling Hulkow what to do, because I'm sure he knows the Marshall sports situation far better than I. But logic seems to tell me varsity sports, no matter what they cover, have priority over freshman sports. After all, freshmen have three more years to compete, while many varsity sports include a surplus of seniors and juniors who are at the end of their high school sports careers.

Just a thought, coach.

This article originally appeared in The Marshall Chronicle.