During my first year of teaching in Florida - at Stuart's South Fork High School - I was blessed to work with an amazing group of juniors and seniors who were part of the school's International Baccalaureate program.
While reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez's novella Chronicle of a Death Foretold, the juniors received an assignment to write a collective story incorporating "magic realism," a literary or artistic genre in which realistic narrative and naturalistic technique are combined with surreal elements of dream or fantasy (with the only real catch being that the story they created had to take place within my classroom walls). And, since I believe I (as an educator) should be able to do the assignments I present, I set about writing my own story.
This is that story, which I somehow pounded out in three days during the 1999-2000 school year. And yes, I incorporated all 19 students in my junior IB English class, plus a number of faculty and administrative staff into the tale. The next week, I photocopied the entire saga to transparencies, and we did a live cold-read in class using the overhead projector.
It was ... an interesting experience.
I posted the following tale on-line as part of the Wellington Debate website (it's sort of buried there; no actual link exists on the main page), but am adding it to my blog site now. Hope you enjoy the read!
THE SETTING: A NONDESCRIPT ROOM IN THE H-WING AT SOUTH FORK HIGH SCHOOL. GROUPS OF IB STUDENTS ARE BUSY CHATTING AMONG THEMSELVES, FEVERISHLY WORKING ON ASSIGNMENTS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ENGLISH.
GABA: (stepping up to the podium) May I have your attention please? Hello? Hello? Ahem!
ELIZABETH: Hey, you guys, shut up! Mr. Gaba has an announcement!
LISA: Mr. Gaba, is it true that we need to do a 4,000-word journal entry on imagery and symbolism in The Cat in the Hat?
DAN: I thought that was imagery OR symbolism.
TRENT: No, I think it's imagery AND symbolism.
JESSICA K.: Mr. Gaba, can you define "symbolism" again? I'm still not quite sure what it means.
GABA: (sips hot tea) Hold on, I'll get to that in ... whose missing? (He starts counting heads.)
JENNIFER: (looks around) Mike's not here yet, but he'll be here soon. And Amy's out of town.
GABA: Sixteen, seventeen. You're right, they're the only ones not here. OK, first things first. I talked to Mrs. George yesterday, and she told me that the IBO has changed the deadline, and now the final draft of your extended essay is due tomorrow instead of in October.
CLASS: (collective groan)
JOANNA C.: But Mr. Gaba, that's sooooo unfair!
JESSICA W.: You know, Joanna, when you cry out like that, your hairline moves!
JOANNA C.: Why are you always mocking me?
GABA: Listen, life is unfair. Fate, destiny, it all boils down to whatever god or spiritual entity you might choose to believe in. This decision comes right from the IBO. But being a kind, benevolent teacher, I'm moving your journal entry on the correlation of imagery and symbolism in The Cat in the Hat to a week from Monday.
TRENT: (to Dan) Told you!
DAN: Oh, man, I'm glad I found out now. I was almost done with it, and I want to make sure I do the assignment right.
GABA: Now, my other announcement. Hello? Hello? (He raps his ruler against the podium.)
ELIZABETH: Hey, you guys, shut up! Mr. Gaba has another announcement!
GABA: Thank you. Everyone needs to clear their desk and take out some paper and a writing utensil - pen, blood, whatever - because we have a test today.
JILL: A test?
JESSICA W.: Today?
JILL: Mr. Gaba, you never said anything about us having a test today. How am I supposed to get all of my math homework done if we have to work in here?
LAVON: And how am I supposed to finish my art project?
JESSICA W.: What kind of test?
GABA: (passing out exams) It's a practice IB exam. You know, when I was at the International Academy, an all-IB school in Michigan, last year …
JENNIFER: Mr. Gaba, Tina and I have a tennis tournament today, and we have passes to leave in about 10 minutes.
GABA: Let me see them. (Tina and Jennifer show their signed passes to Mr. Gaba) These are forged! That looks nothing like Mrs. Hall's signature!
JENNIFER: That's because it's Mr. Costello's signature!
GABA: (looks at pass again) Ah, OK. Well, you'll have to make this test up some time.
ASHLEY: (reading her Braille exam carefully) Um, Mr. Gaba, are you sure this is the right exam?
GABA: I think so. Why?
ASHLEY: Well, if I'm reading this right ... "Consider the presentation of fate and destiny in the life of Loreena McKennitt based on fifteen literary works studied this semester.”
GABA: Yep, that's the right exam. See, each exam is different, specifically written for an interest that you have. So there's nineteen different exams.
ASHLEY: We've read fifteen books?
JILL: Not books, NOVELS!
ASHLEY: I'm sorry. Novels.
ELIZABETH: (reading exam aloud) "How much of a role does imagery play in understanding literary works by writers whose characters' settings and situations revolve around the Avocado theorem?" Don't you mean "Avogadro”?
JESSICA W.: (reading exam aloud) "How far is it possible to read with sympathy literary works by writers whose characters' views closely resemble those of Jonah and the Frankenstein monster?" This makes no sense.
RIKKI: (reading exam aloud) "Consider the instances of comic irony or absurdity in two literary works studied this semester and discuss how these comic effects compare to danceable songs by Steely Dan." Oh jeez!
JOANNA H.: (reading exam aloud) "What is the importance of character in literary works? Illustrate your response by choosing two main characters from two different literary works you haven't even studied this semester." Hmmmmm.
BRIAN: (munching on donut) Cool!
TINA: For crying out loud, Brian, give it a break! You're always trying to suck up in this class, and I'm tired of it!
BRIAN: Hold on! Can I just say something?
TINA: (rolls eyes, places hands to forehead) No! You're always trying to make an issue out of everything!
BRIAN: Now hold on! You're not even going to be here! You're going to be at a tennis tournament! And I thought you had tennis elbow!
TINA: Tennis elbow? (She grabs her tennis racquet.) I'll show you tennis elbow! (Tina smacks Brian upside his head, knocking him woozy.) See? No tennis elbow here! Next time, get your facts straight before you start playing attorney!
JESSICA K.: Nice forehand!
JOANNA H.: You guys really should be nicer to your fellow human beings. Remember the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have done unto you.”
GABA: Tina, I don't want you going around hitting people with tennis racquets in my classroom!
TINA: Sorry, Mr. Gaba. (Tina puts her tennis racquet away. Then she and Jennifer pick up their bags and leave for the tennis tournament.)
DAN: Mr. Gaba, can you put Monty Python and the Holy Grail in the VCR?
LISA: No, can we watch Whose Line Is It, Anyway? I brought the videotape I made of it last night! (Dan and Lisa race for the VCR, jumping over desks. At the file cabinets, Lisa begins hitting Dan with a copy of Anna Karenina and knocks him unconscious.)
GABA: Lisa, what I told Tina goes for you too! No hitting people with paperweights cleverly disguised as novels!
LISA: I'm sorry, Mr. Gaba, it won't happen again.
GABA: Good.
Mr. MCDONALD: (opening door) May I talk to your class real quick?
GABA: Well, we're taking an exam …
Mr. MCDONALD: (addressing class) I just wanted to remind you that your assignment in solving Pi is due tomorrow. Don't forget to include all of your research. (leaves)
TRENT: Mr. Gaba, can we play Star Wars Trivial Pursuit? (He walks to Mr. Gaba's desk, pulls out the trivia cards, industrial-strength sized Tupperware candy container, and Central Michigan University fraternity beer stein filled with IB III tongue depressors. He draws the first depressor and looks at the result.) I drew my own name!
JOANNA C.: Hey, that's not fair!
JESSICA W.: You know, Joanna, when you cry like that, your lips quiver really strangely!
JOANNA C.: Why are you always mocking me?
TRENT: OK, I'll draw another name. (Trent pulls out another tongue depressor.) Rikki!
RIKKI: I'm trying to take a test here! I don't wanna play this stupid game!
Mr. TRAILL: (opening door) Hey, I just have a quick announcement for your class.
GABA: Well, we're taking an exam …
Mr. TRAILL: Guys, just a reminder, your DBQs on the history of every war that's occurred since the beginning of time is due tomorrow. And don't forget to register to vote, so I can be elected to the Florida House of Representatives.
JESSICA K.: Mr. Traill, what if we miss a war? I'm still trying to get information on a few of them.
Mr. TRAILL: Look, I gave you the handout over a week ago. It has all the information on it as far as deadlines, information, and format of your paper. I suggest you review that document.
ELIZABETH: Hey, Lisa, that's not Whose Line Is It, Anyway? It's Who Wants to Be a Millionaire!
LISA: Oh my god, you're right! Look, it's Regis!
CLASS: (collectively) Cooooooool!
Mr. TRAILL: Grrrrrrrrrr! (He opens the door to leave, letting Mrs. Arace into the room.)
Mrs. ARACE: For those of you who are in Social Anthropology, don't forget your to-scale models of ancient Native American tribal villages are due tomorrow. (leaves)
TRENT: This is ridiculous. It can't get any worse than this.
JILL: Mr. Gaba, can we put on some music while we're taking this exam? (She goes to the industrial-strength sized CD boombox on top of the file cabinets and begins sorting through Mr. Gaba's Tom Petty and "Weird Al" Yankovic collection.)
Senora LOPEZ: (opens door)
JOANNA C.: Hola, Senora Lopez!
GABA: Um, we're trying to take an exam …
Senora LOPEZ: Well, you've interrupted my class many times, and I need to pass a message along to these guys.
GABA: OK, that's fair enough.
Senora LOPEZ: Listen, your final drafts of your autobiographies are due tomorrow. And they have to be in proper Spanish! Conjugate the verbs! (She turns to leave, then turns back toward the class.) Oh, and Katy, make sure you return the Spanish, German, French, Italian, Hebrew, Russian, Arabic and Swahili books you took from my room. (leaves)
GABA: Hasta la bagel!
KATY: (throwing pen onto the ground) I can't believe this! This is futile! This is so stupid! This whole school is screwed up! I work my tail off in Spanish, and all I get is a 100? I work harder than everyone! God I hate this place! I hate IB! What a bunch of …
JESSICA W.: Mr. Gaba, that's a yellow card!
BRIAN: Mr. Gaba, can I go to the bathroom? (He gets up, grabs the combination Bulldog Country license plate/bathroom pass from Mr. Gaba's desk, writes his name in wet-erase marker on the laminated side, and begins to leave the room.)
TRENT: Wait! I need to go to the bathroom!
BRIAN: You're just going to have to wait.
TRENT: You freakin' computer geek! I'm gonna have to pull some major Tae Kwon Do moves on you! (He begins reenacting scenes from The Karate Kid.)
BRIAN: For crying out loud, I'm not gonna get hit again! (He takes off for the bathroom. Trent stops his martial arts aerobics, sits down and puts his head on the desk.)
ELIZABETH: This is ridiculous. It can't get any worse than this.
Mrs. GEORGE: (opening door) Hi guys!
CLASS: (in unison) Hello, Mrs. George!
GABA: Um, we're taking an exam, sort of …
Mrs. GEORGE: I just wanted to find out how many of you are planning on attending the annual IB Italian Dinner, Bowlathon and Strategic Arms Limitation Talks jousting competition tomorrow night? I haven't heard back from any of you yet, and I need to find out who's planning on attending. It's only $10.
CLASS: (collective silence)
Mrs. GEORGE: I'll take it that's a "no." (leaves)
ASHLEY: Mr. Gaba, do we have to watch any more of Regis?
GABA: Well, no we don't. Do you have any suggestions, since it's obvious that this is basically a wasted day as far as anything educational is concerned?
ASHLEY: My mom made a video tape she thought might be useful for our class. (Ashley fumbles through her Braille type machine, opens up a secret chamber in the bottom and extracts a videotape. She tosses the tape to Mr. Gaba, who takes out Who Wants to Be a Millionaire! and enters the new video)
JESSICA K.: What's on it?
ASHLEY: As episode of Judge Judy, I think.
CLASS: (collectively) Coooooooooool!
JUDGE JUDY: And what do you, the defendants, have to say for yourself?
DEFENDANT #1: I am innocent, your honor.
DEFENDANT #2: Me too.
JUDGE JUDY: Despite all the evidence your father has cited? The mental abuse? The forced abandonment from your houses? You know, avarice is the root of all evil …
PLAINTIFF: (interrupting) Your honor …
JUDGE JUDY: Stuff it, Lear, I'm busy right now.
JESSICA K.: Lear? King Lear?
ELIZABETH: Oh my God! It's King Lear suing Goneril and Regan!
JOANNA C.: And Goneril looks just like LaVon!
LAVON: This is ridiculous. It can't get any worse than this.
Mrs. FEATHERSTONE: (opening door) Miss Somers, may I see you for a minute?
CLASS: (collectively) Ooooooooooh!
GABA: Um, well, theoretically we're "taking" an exam …
JESSICA K.: Look, Mr. Gaba's doing his "rabbit ears" thing again!
Mrs. FEATHERSTONE: (Looking around room, she notices the television is on and music is coming from the CD boombox.) Uh-huh. This will just take a minute.
RIKKI: Oh, jeez. (Gets up and leaves room with Mrs. Featherstone.)
JOANNA C.: How are we supposed to get any work done with all of these people coming in here and interrupting us!
Mrs. VITALE: (opening door) May I interrupt your class for a minute? Or are you busy right now?
GABA: Oh, what the heck. Go ahead. (He grabs his South Fork lanyard and pulls it over his head in a mock-choke.)
ELIZABETH: Mr. Gaba, you've worn that tie before!
JESSICA W.: I thought you said you had nearly 100 ties. How can you repeat them?
Mrs. VITALE: I just wanted to let all of you know that the field trip we were supposed to take next month got moved up to tomorrow. Be ready to get on the bus promptly at 7:30 tomorrow morning! (leaves)
JESSICA K.: This is ridiculous. It can't get any worse than this.
BRIAN: (returns from the bathroom) Oh, Mr. Gaba, I've got my money for whatever novels I haven't paid for yet. (He places a blank check on Mr. Gaba's desk.)
Mr. NOEL: (opening door) Hello, Mr. Gaba. I'm here to make sure your public address system is working properly.
Mrs. TSCHINKEL: (over public address system) Teachers, please pardon the interruption. There will be a surprise birthday party for Mr. Noel in the media center after school is over. Make sure not to tell him and ruin the surprise!
Mr. NOEL: Well, apparently it is. (leaves)
RIKKI: (re-entering room) This is so stupid! Mrs. Featherstone walked by the room, saw me through the window, and gave me a warning about following the dress code! Don't they have more important things to worry about than what I'm wearing?
BEN: I think it's ironic that I was just sitting here, thinking about George Orwell, when Mrs. Featherstone came in here. I mean, "Big Brother" and all of that.
ELIZABETH: (to Rikki) What's wrong with your clothing?
RIKKI: Apparently, I'm not supposed to be wearing my weightlifting workout clothes in the classroom.
ELIZABETH: You're not? Then why wasn't I busted?
BEN: Perhaps because while all students are created equal, some are more equal than others? Which reminds me, can we watch the Animal Farm movie again? I thought the pig falling from the rafters was pretty cool.
RIKKI: (to Elizabeth) Probably because you have your jacket on.
ELIZABETH: Well, then ... (Elizabeth removes her stylish South Fork Student Government Association jacket to reveal that she is also in workout attire.) Solidarity, sister!
MIKE: (Opens door and heads toward seat.) Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?
ASHLEY: No, not really.
MIKE: OK, that's good. (Begins to take Taco Bell bag out of backpack.) Ah, breakfast!
VOICE: Drop the chalupa!
MIKE: What was that?
JILL: Oh my god! It's - (she points at the VCR) - Mr. Gaba's stuffed Taco Bell dog!
DOG: Drop the chalupa! (The dog jumps off the VCR onto Dan, who is still resting unconscious next to the file cabinets, and looks around.)
GABA: Well, this is different. (He looks at his mug.) What was in my tea this morning?
DOG: (to Mr. Gaba) Look, sit down. You look like a ghost altogether. I make a long story short. I am Toro the Dog. I speak fluent English because the very clever scientist who installed my computer chip speak it. Incidentally, he not so clever; I can already beat him in Risk three out of four times.
LISA: Elizabeth, you know about science. Explain this to us!
ELIZABETH: A ... stuffed ... dog …
MIKE: (looking at his Taco Bell bag) Next time, I'm going to Mickey D’s.
DOG: Look, I'm not stuffed! I'm a real dog! Listen, for many years scientists have thought dogs were intelligent. They understate the case. We're positively geniuses. They always dreamed one day we could be taught how to talk. Well, now it's happened. I fell in with a high-ranking member of the Stuart Canine Institute and started working with him. He was rewarding me with a bowl of high-protein Alpo, which no other dogs are getting. So I figure I was ahead of the game and I cooperate. Until that time, I was just bumming around in an aimless life. I just missed my own TV gig when my cousin Julio got the Taco Bell commercial. He had an agent. So I decided the next best thing was to come to South Fork, infiltrate the system, and learn what it takes to become the new mascot!
JILL: Yes, but we're the Bulldogs, and you're a Chihuahua. I don't think we're going to be changing our nickname any time soon.
DOG: Dig deep. Go beyond the obvious. You're missing the big picture here.
DAN: (who has finally awoken) Irony?
LAVON: Fate and destiny?
BEN: Imagery?
JOANNA H.: Character development?
LISA: Symbolism?
JESSICA K.: Mr. Gaba, you never reminded me what "symbolism" means.
KATY: Wait, I think I got it. "Toro" means "bull" in Spanish. Toro - Dog - Bulldog!
DOG: Excellent!
RIKKI: Nice job, Katy!
JILL: The fact remains that you're still not a bulldog. You're a Chihuahua.
GABA: Yes, that does appear to be one of those details I'm not sure you can overcome, Toro. Don't get me wrong; it's good to have dreams. (Mr. Gaba grabs his ruler and begins tapping it against one of the desks.) But even dreams have to be countered by a reality check. And this is your reality check. Reality has struck hard, Toro. It's time to wake up. Time to wake up from your dream.
WHILE MR. GABA IS TALKING TO TORO THE LIVING, BREATHING, NOT-STUFFED TACO BELL DOG, A SCOOBY-DOO TIME-WARP BEGINS TO OCCUR. AS THE TRANSFORMATION TAKES PLACE, INSTEAD OF TALKING TO THE DOG MR. GABA IS TALKING TO AMY, WHO HAS FALLEN ASLEEP DURING HIS LECTURE. THE TACO BELL DOG IS BACK IN HIS RIGHTFUL SPOT ON TOP OF THE VCR. EIGHTEEN PAIRS OF STUDENT EYES ARE STARING AT AMY.
GABA: (tapping ruler against Amy's desk) It's time to wake up. Time to wake up from your dream.
AMY: (looking around) What - what happened?
GABA: You fell asleep during my lecture. I know I'm a boring teacher at times, but I thought I was in pretty raw form today.
AMY: I had a very strange dream. Nightmare, really. You were giving a test and all the IB teachers kept interrupting the class. And Tina beat up Brian, and Lisa beat up Dan.
RIKKI: That doesn't sound too strange. (Everyone laughs.)
THE BELL GOES OFF, SIGNALING THE END OF CLASS. EVERYONE GRABS THEIR BAGS AND BEGIN TO HEAD OUT THE DOOR.
GABA: Have a nice day! See you tomorrow! (to Amy) Make sure you get some notes on what you missed, OK?
AMY: OK. I'm sorry Mr. Gaba, I haven't been feeling well lately, and I think I need to get some more sleep at night.
GABA: No problem. Get some rest tonight. Have a good day.
AMY: Thank you, Mr. Gaba.
AS AMY LEAVES, SHE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM. EVERYTHING IS IN ORDER. SHE SHAKES HER HEAD AND, AS SHE REACHES THE DOOR, KICKS A PIECE OF PAPER. AMY LOOKS DOWN AND NOTICES IT IS A TACO BELL CHALUPA WRAPPER. SHE SHUDDERS, SHAKES HER HEAD AGAIN, AND WALKS OUT THE DOOR.
- 30 -
