PAUL: Hello, and welcome to the Persian Gulf, where Iraq and the Rest of the World will duke it out in Round 2 of the World Domination Championship Series. I'm Paul Gaba.
LEE: And I'm Lee Thompson. It's a beautiful day for a war, Paul. Not a cloud in the sky, and the wind is blowing hard out to Saudi Arabia.
PAUL: It sure is, Lee. And that wind could turn out to be a big factor as the contest progresses.
LEE: As you know, this is the big one. The U.S. is coming off that tremendous win over Grenada in 1983, while the rest of the Rest of the World have drawn "byes" for a while now. But the Rest of the World does appear strong heading into this one.
PAUL: So you're saying a consolidated team effort from this All-Star collection could easily win today?
LEE: Oh, definitely. When you add the power, speed and defense, the Rest of the World looks tough to beat.
PAUL: Of course, the Iraqis have the home-sand advantage in this one ... and they are coming off that easy win over Kuwait.
LEE: Pitching for Iraq is Saddam "Wild Thing" Hussein - part of that great pitching rotation, commonly called the "Nasty Boys," It wasn't so long ago that he was the set-up man for the closer, Mommar "Crazy Boy" Quadaffi.
PAUL: Both are excellent pitchers, but have a strong tendency to be wild most of the time. Hussein's finished with his warm-up pitches, and here comes the first hitter for the Rest of the World, the U.S.'s George Bush.
LEE: Looking at the World lineup, they could get to Iraq early. Bush is leading off, followed by Egypt's Hosni Mubarak. Saudi Arabia's King Fahd is third. In the cleanup spot is the Soviet Union, followed by Great Britain, France, Canada, Spain and the Germanys.
PAUL: And, of course, the bench is led by Israel, which could make its way into the contest later. And wouldn't that make this show interesting?
LEE: It sure would. Bush steps up to the plate. It's obvious the World wants to get its best hitter on early, and Bush has a lot of experience at the leadoff spot, having spent eight years as understudy to Ronald Reagan.
BUSH: This is a violation of international law!
PAUL: Strike, right through the heart of the plate. Looks like standard political rhetoric just won't work against the Iraqi leader today.
HUSSEIN: Death to imperialists!
PAUL: Oh, there's a base hit to Qatar. That one looks like it will be for extra bases. Bush rounds Mina al Bakr, and now he's heading for the pipeline! There's the throw ... he ... is ... safe! A triple for Bush!
LEE: That one was definitely helped by the wind.
PAUL: Well, here's the next batter, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, who comes into the game batting a solid .274.
LEE: Hos has been on a tear lately, and he knows how to bring home a runner like Bush.
PAUL: Here's the pitch.
MUBARAK: Saddam, you are not the leader of the Arab nations! We will not follow you!
PAUL: Oh, a squeeze play at the plate! Bush slides ... he is ... safe! And the World takes a 1-0 lead on Mubarak's surprise bunt.
LEE: Hos laid that one down the third-base line perfectly, and the Iraqis had no play on him. Their defense looked pretty lame there, to be perfectly honest.
PAUL: Well, Iraq isn't known for its defense. I remember that great pinch-hit grand slam the Israelis got against this same Iraq team a couple of years ago. Knocked out an entire nuclear reactor.
LEE: And that still ranks as one of the greatest clutch hitting performances in World Domination play. Uh-oh, I see some clouds in the distance.
PAUL: Hey, those look like mushroom clouds! Hussein is storming mad! He's arguing with the umpire! The umpire is arguing back! And he's just thrown Hussein out of the game! The game is over! Iraq loses! Iraq loses!
LEE: Of course, the World didn't exactly win, now, did it Paul?
PAUL: I don't think so, lee. Well, that's it from the Persian Gulf, the World taking a moral - if not complete - victory from the Iraqis. For Lee Thompson, this is Paul Gaba. Have a nice day.
This article originally appeared in The Ogemaw County Herald.
